Most of us have many dreams about what relationships will be like or should be like. So when the real thing happens, and we find ourselves in a relationship, reality can be quite a shock. Some people feel tricked, trapped or like failures. Others do everything under the sun to change their partner, change themselves, or figure out why their relationship is different from their dreams. However, when reality hits, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with your relationship. It simply means we're being given a chance to grow and face some facts.
There are facts about relationship that no one ever told you. When you learn to live with them, relationship tangles loosen, solutions come easily, and your relationship grows. Here are six basic facts. Absorb them into your life and see how things ease up and how much happier you become.
1) Relationships are not static. They can, will and must change.
No two people stay the same during the course of a life time. Their needs, wishes, and interests vary. It is unreasonable to expect that relationship partners will grow and change in the same ways, at the same time. It is not necessary for the two of you to always think the same way, enjoy the same activities or people, or be in the same place at the same time. Just because you have different tastes or interests doesn’t mean something is going wrong.
For relationships to remain vital it is necessary to have a core of mutual interests, activities and desires, but, it is just as crucial to make room for differences between you. Differences mean you are growing, and will have even more love and understanding to bring to your partner in the long run.
2) Romantic feelings of excitement, intoxication and infatuation necessarily wax and wane.
Many people expect to feel “in love” with their partner on a daily basis. By this they mean having romantic feelings of excitement and infatuation, feeling as though they can’t wait to see the person, and miss them if they’re gone. However, there is a crucial difference between loving a partner and being “in love”. Romantic feelings of excitement, intoxication and infatuation necessarily wax and wane. love is not based upon fluctuating feelings, but upon a solid foundation of mutual respect, consideration and communication. Love is often tested in the fire, and frequently sacrifice is needed. In order to truly love, one must grow as a person. That is what relationships are for – to help you grow in your ability to discover what love really is..
3) Love is not dependency. It’s important to be able to stand on your own.
You must be able to be who you are, have friends and activities of your own. Your partner also has to have time alone with friends, interests and private space. Love always includes trust of the other. The less you suffocate and possess him, the more they will want to be with you
and respect you. From that basis, a lot of love can grow.
4) Being angry doesn’t mean you do not love.
Some feel that as soon as they are angry or their partner are angry, love has gone out the door. Of course, if anger goes on for too long, or is not dealt with properly, it certainly can erode the quality of a relationship. But being angry is simply a sign that it is time for good, open, honest, careful communication to take place. When you bottle up your needs and feelings then all that has been hidden will can create anger. But, when you recognize anger, as it arises, and freely discuss the issues causing it, the relationship grows. Take anger as a sign that you are being given an opportunity to communicate and know each other more fully. Let it bring you closer, not further apart.
5) It's crucial to carve out quality time for one another.
It's necessary to carve out special time to be together in a quality way. Living together it’s easy to take one another for granted. But just because the person is there physically, does not necessarily mean you’re sharing quality time. Children, errands, pressures at work and social obligations can create a whir of activity, but not intimate time between the two of you. Carve out intimate time for the two of you to be alone. Go some place special. Make time to talk and have fun alone. This is a wonderful refresher to every marriage and should be done weekly.
6) Being together for a long time doesn’t have to take the magic away.
There is no way to replace a person who you’ve gone through the years with. The sense of continuity and trust that develops is priceless. As the years pass you know each other better and better, whatever happens you both know there is someone there for you, who understands what you are going through. As your ability to share grows, the burdens of life diminish greatly, and, if you look at the person with grateful eyes, the joys intensify as well.
Find the surprising truths about love in Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships) by top psychologist, speaker, relationship expert and award winning author. Discover how it is impossible to fail at love. Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com. http://www.brendashoshanna.com/
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
How To Calculate Your Love
Love is the most beautiful and exciting thing in our lives. Knowing that your partner loves you just as you do is the happiest feeling on earth. No matter if you are a girl or boy, a romantic and passionate relationship is all we seek with our partners. For relationships to last forever, there needs to be a strong bond of love between couples. Many couples fall apart with time and the reason for this is that they are mostly not compatible. However, knowing how strong your love relationship is a tough task for most.
The good news is that now getting to know the strength of your relationship and love is as simple as anything. In these times of astounding technologies, love can also be assessed by means of great programs. One such great means to know your love is the Love Mater. As the name tells, Love Meter can tell you how strong our relationship is with your partner. Using this miraculous program you can find out as to how perfect you and your partner are for each other.
Using this program is very simple as well as exciting. In order to know the strength of your love and relationship, all you have to do is to enter your full name in the first column and the full name of your dream partner in the second column. Then just click and you will get to know your compatibility in the meter right in front of you within seconds! A love met is also known as a Love O Meter or Love calculator.
A love meter is a best tool to check how compatible you and your partner with each other. Love meter scores your love on a scale of 1-100.
It often happens that you are stuck in a number of choices of partners and wonder as to whom to select for you long term relationship. In this regard as well, Love Meter is a great tool which can help you make a comparison between a number of dream partners and then base you decision upon the result you get for each.
Love Meter is an amazing entertainment tool which provides an insight in not your relationship in an exciting manner. It is a great source of fun and thrill regarding your relationships. Of course you cannot entirely go with the opinion of software; you need to use your brains as well yet it does provide you with some insight and general idea which is fun and thrilling for your relationships. Lover Mater can present you with surprising and shocking results sometimes which perk up the spice in your relationship. Give it a try and you will love to keep using it forever!
There are many Love Meter tools available which are used to measure the love percentage between two persons. They are used for fun and entertainment. With some research on internet you can find some great love calculators to check the love compatibility between you and your loved one.
Sania Saher is admin of Love Meter and Love SMS. Also she writes her blog at she.com.pk
The good news is that now getting to know the strength of your relationship and love is as simple as anything. In these times of astounding technologies, love can also be assessed by means of great programs. One such great means to know your love is the Love Mater. As the name tells, Love Meter can tell you how strong our relationship is with your partner. Using this miraculous program you can find out as to how perfect you and your partner are for each other.
Using this program is very simple as well as exciting. In order to know the strength of your love and relationship, all you have to do is to enter your full name in the first column and the full name of your dream partner in the second column. Then just click and you will get to know your compatibility in the meter right in front of you within seconds! A love met is also known as a Love O Meter or Love calculator.
A love meter is a best tool to check how compatible you and your partner with each other. Love meter scores your love on a scale of 1-100.
It often happens that you are stuck in a number of choices of partners and wonder as to whom to select for you long term relationship. In this regard as well, Love Meter is a great tool which can help you make a comparison between a number of dream partners and then base you decision upon the result you get for each.
Love Meter is an amazing entertainment tool which provides an insight in not your relationship in an exciting manner. It is a great source of fun and thrill regarding your relationships. Of course you cannot entirely go with the opinion of software; you need to use your brains as well yet it does provide you with some insight and general idea which is fun and thrilling for your relationships. Lover Mater can present you with surprising and shocking results sometimes which perk up the spice in your relationship. Give it a try and you will love to keep using it forever!
There are many Love Meter tools available which are used to measure the love percentage between two persons. They are used for fun and entertainment. With some research on internet you can find some great love calculators to check the love compatibility between you and your loved one.
Sania Saher is admin of Love Meter and Love SMS. Also she writes her blog at she.com.pk
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Relationship Conflict: 5 Deadly Mistakes and What to Do Instead
While conflict in marriage is inevitable, fighting is optional.
The secret is in how you approach and handle the conflict. It can make the difference between a really great relationship and a breakup looking for a place to happen.
With that notion in mind, let's take a look at five styles of handling conflict, along with alternative solutions for each.
Ready-Fire-Aim
These folks are the shooters of conflict. They live by the motto "cross me and you will pay." Instead of ready-aim-fire, they shoot first and ask questions later. This style causes lots of damage and usually serves to isolate the shooter.
Alternative solution: In the words of Stephen Covey, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." If you take the time to understand someone and that person's point of view, it's a whole lot easier to keep your shooter in its holster.
Crock potters
They let a conflict simmer for a while. Sometimes it can be as harmless as needing to mull things over before handling conflict. At their worst, crock potters simmer and seethe, building resentments, blowing up, or both.
Alternative solution: It can be healthy and productive to mull it over before you respond in a conflict. Instead of allowing it to boil over, agree on a time you will sit down together and calmly address the conflict.
Me right/you wrong
This style of conflict really is as primitive as Tarzan. People who hold tightly to the right to be right can go to just about any length to prove they are right, even to the point of ending the relationship.
Alternative solution: Punt. Give up the right to be right. Check out what you might be able to learn from the other point of view, which might even be as valid as your own. Shocking, I realize, but highly possible. The simple truth is that in marriage there are times when you can be right or be happy, but not both.
Tomb-ers
They elevate the infamous silent treatment to an art form. Conflict arises and they shut down. When you ask what's wrong, their reply is either "nothing" or "everything's fine," but you know better.
Alternative solution: Usually tomb-ers have a strong fear of conflict, believing that any conflict will end the relationship. Quite the opposite is true _ not dealing with the conflict can kill the relationship from within. Here are some words to begin with: "Can I tell you what I'm uncomfortable with here?"
Historians
They remember every fault, mistake and blunder ever made by their partner, including what was said, what you wore and where you were standing at the time. And, they're more than willing to remind you, in detail.
Alternative solution: Get a dry-erase board. Write the current conflict on the blank board. Deal with it. Resolve it. Erase it. Over, done with, gone.
I'm guessing that you have identified your partner's style of conflict. Now, read back through the categories and ask yourself:
Which one am I?
For more immediately useable tips and tools for your relationship, visit relationship coach Jeff Herring's interactive website at SecretsofGreatRelationships.com
The secret is in how you approach and handle the conflict. It can make the difference between a really great relationship and a breakup looking for a place to happen.
With that notion in mind, let's take a look at five styles of handling conflict, along with alternative solutions for each.
Ready-Fire-Aim
These folks are the shooters of conflict. They live by the motto "cross me and you will pay." Instead of ready-aim-fire, they shoot first and ask questions later. This style causes lots of damage and usually serves to isolate the shooter.
Alternative solution: In the words of Stephen Covey, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." If you take the time to understand someone and that person's point of view, it's a whole lot easier to keep your shooter in its holster.
Crock potters
They let a conflict simmer for a while. Sometimes it can be as harmless as needing to mull things over before handling conflict. At their worst, crock potters simmer and seethe, building resentments, blowing up, or both.
Alternative solution: It can be healthy and productive to mull it over before you respond in a conflict. Instead of allowing it to boil over, agree on a time you will sit down together and calmly address the conflict.
Me right/you wrong
This style of conflict really is as primitive as Tarzan. People who hold tightly to the right to be right can go to just about any length to prove they are right, even to the point of ending the relationship.
Alternative solution: Punt. Give up the right to be right. Check out what you might be able to learn from the other point of view, which might even be as valid as your own. Shocking, I realize, but highly possible. The simple truth is that in marriage there are times when you can be right or be happy, but not both.
Tomb-ers
They elevate the infamous silent treatment to an art form. Conflict arises and they shut down. When you ask what's wrong, their reply is either "nothing" or "everything's fine," but you know better.
Alternative solution: Usually tomb-ers have a strong fear of conflict, believing that any conflict will end the relationship. Quite the opposite is true _ not dealing with the conflict can kill the relationship from within. Here are some words to begin with: "Can I tell you what I'm uncomfortable with here?"
Historians
They remember every fault, mistake and blunder ever made by their partner, including what was said, what you wore and where you were standing at the time. And, they're more than willing to remind you, in detail.
Alternative solution: Get a dry-erase board. Write the current conflict on the blank board. Deal with it. Resolve it. Erase it. Over, done with, gone.
I'm guessing that you have identified your partner's style of conflict. Now, read back through the categories and ask yourself:
Which one am I?
For more immediately useable tips and tools for your relationship, visit relationship coach Jeff Herring's interactive website at SecretsofGreatRelationships.com
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Relationships: Physical Compatibility
ow important is physical compatibility in relationships? Well, it depends on the couple. For some people their physicality is of utmost importance to them. When it is, they often want their partner to engage in many of their activities with them. For some couples the physical nature of their relationship is not important to either of them. And for some couples, if one rates the physical aspect high and the other one doesn’t, happy satisfied couples have found ways to satisfy that physical element outside of their relationship.
I have done research with couples who self-identify as happy and satisfied after being together at least ten years. One area I ask about is their satisfaction in the physical area. This can encompass many things. It can mean sexual compatibility. It can mean being satisfied with each other’s overall health and level of activity. It can translate into satisfaction with romance or public displays of affection or lack thereof. It could mean satisfaction with one’s partner’s physical appearance.
The one aspect of physical compatibility that seems to be most important is sexual compatibility. The vast majority of the couples I interviewed reported not having other intimate relationships outside of their committed one. They also reported a healthy sex life, well into their later years.
As author, Kevin Lehman writes in his book Sheet Music, sex in a marriage is very important and necessary to a man. He believes a woman who denies her man enthusiastic involvement in the sexual act is like a man who refuses to talk to his partner. As a general rule, women need communication and men need physical connection. That is not to say women don’t enjoy sex and men don’t like to communicate. It’s just the general trend among the genders.
I also interviewed couples who both reported sex was no longer a part of their relationship and they were both at peace with that fact. I even interviewed one couple who were married as heterosexuals. He underwent a sex change operation and is now a woman. They have remained a lesbian couple and the wife also satisfies her sexual desires with a man and her partner fully sanctions that activity.
Other aspects of the sexual area to consider are frequency, duration and creativity. All of these are things that couples should discuss and come to agreement about. If one person wants to explore all manner of sexual activity with his or her partner and the other partner is interested only in the missionary position, then that relationship may be in for some rocky roads.
Romance, foreplay and public displays of affection are also areas where it is helpful to find agreement with your partner.
Compatibility in the sexual area is critical to relationship success but the level of activity is defined by the couples themselves.
Sometimes couples highly value the external appearance of their partner. They want the partner whose look is pleasing to him or her. I interviewed a couple who are both 88 years old, married 56 years. When they were married, the husband loved the way his wife looked. Her beauty was very important to him and he referred to her as his “pin up girl.” Do you know now, 56 years later, he still refers to her as his “pin up girl”? That is a man who was able to adjust and expand his physical expectations to match the maturation of their relationship. Contrast that with a person who gets together with his or her partner based strictly on external beauty. Once that beauty begins to fade, as it inevitably will, he or she will be looking for the next partner to replace the aging one. For some couples, the outer beauty of a person is not important for either of them. And for still other couples, external beauty is of the utmost importance and they are very conscious of their weight, nutrition and may have cosmetic surgery to assist in maintaining their beauty.
A final area to look at is health and fitness. What I found in my research is that for many people who value this aspect of life, they were attracted to partners who did also. This makes the relationship smooth in this area. They often engage in common activities of fitness. They may like to hike, bike, swim, lift weights, and go to the gym together. They may even engage in their activities with other people and that is fine as long as they are maintaining their overall health and fitness. They also generally agree on their nutritional choices.
If this is an area that is not important to either couple, then there is no issue here and they are compatible in their indifference to health and fitness. What challenges and potentially strains a relationship is when one person values this and the other doesn’t. I saw this more with older couples where one partner was perhaps more overweight and in poorer health. One person becomes worried about their partner’s health and mortality.
The bottom line is that different things work for different couples. While some highly value aspects of this physical area and want their partners to value it too, some couples are able to enjoy the aspects of their physical life that are important to them while allowing their partner to do what’s important to him or her. And there are yet other couples who do not value this area at all. The couples who reported being happy and satisfied with their relationship did not have conflict in this area. Either they were compatible in this area or they simply allowed each other to fully express themselves in this area as they saw fit.
s a life and relationship coach. She teaches people how to live from the inside out by empowering them to focus on the things they can change. She is an internationally recognized public speaker and provides workshops in the areas of relationships, parenting, and a variety of self-growth topics. She is also the creator of the new, revolutionary process called, Inside Out Empowerment.
I have done research with couples who self-identify as happy and satisfied after being together at least ten years. One area I ask about is their satisfaction in the physical area. This can encompass many things. It can mean sexual compatibility. It can mean being satisfied with each other’s overall health and level of activity. It can translate into satisfaction with romance or public displays of affection or lack thereof. It could mean satisfaction with one’s partner’s physical appearance.
The one aspect of physical compatibility that seems to be most important is sexual compatibility. The vast majority of the couples I interviewed reported not having other intimate relationships outside of their committed one. They also reported a healthy sex life, well into their later years.
As author, Kevin Lehman writes in his book Sheet Music, sex in a marriage is very important and necessary to a man. He believes a woman who denies her man enthusiastic involvement in the sexual act is like a man who refuses to talk to his partner. As a general rule, women need communication and men need physical connection. That is not to say women don’t enjoy sex and men don’t like to communicate. It’s just the general trend among the genders.
I also interviewed couples who both reported sex was no longer a part of their relationship and they were both at peace with that fact. I even interviewed one couple who were married as heterosexuals. He underwent a sex change operation and is now a woman. They have remained a lesbian couple and the wife also satisfies her sexual desires with a man and her partner fully sanctions that activity.
Other aspects of the sexual area to consider are frequency, duration and creativity. All of these are things that couples should discuss and come to agreement about. If one person wants to explore all manner of sexual activity with his or her partner and the other partner is interested only in the missionary position, then that relationship may be in for some rocky roads.
Romance, foreplay and public displays of affection are also areas where it is helpful to find agreement with your partner.
Compatibility in the sexual area is critical to relationship success but the level of activity is defined by the couples themselves.
Sometimes couples highly value the external appearance of their partner. They want the partner whose look is pleasing to him or her. I interviewed a couple who are both 88 years old, married 56 years. When they were married, the husband loved the way his wife looked. Her beauty was very important to him and he referred to her as his “pin up girl.” Do you know now, 56 years later, he still refers to her as his “pin up girl”? That is a man who was able to adjust and expand his physical expectations to match the maturation of their relationship. Contrast that with a person who gets together with his or her partner based strictly on external beauty. Once that beauty begins to fade, as it inevitably will, he or she will be looking for the next partner to replace the aging one. For some couples, the outer beauty of a person is not important for either of them. And for still other couples, external beauty is of the utmost importance and they are very conscious of their weight, nutrition and may have cosmetic surgery to assist in maintaining their beauty.
A final area to look at is health and fitness. What I found in my research is that for many people who value this aspect of life, they were attracted to partners who did also. This makes the relationship smooth in this area. They often engage in common activities of fitness. They may like to hike, bike, swim, lift weights, and go to the gym together. They may even engage in their activities with other people and that is fine as long as they are maintaining their overall health and fitness. They also generally agree on their nutritional choices.
If this is an area that is not important to either couple, then there is no issue here and they are compatible in their indifference to health and fitness. What challenges and potentially strains a relationship is when one person values this and the other doesn’t. I saw this more with older couples where one partner was perhaps more overweight and in poorer health. One person becomes worried about their partner’s health and mortality.
The bottom line is that different things work for different couples. While some highly value aspects of this physical area and want their partners to value it too, some couples are able to enjoy the aspects of their physical life that are important to them while allowing their partner to do what’s important to him or her. And there are yet other couples who do not value this area at all. The couples who reported being happy and satisfied with their relationship did not have conflict in this area. Either they were compatible in this area or they simply allowed each other to fully express themselves in this area as they saw fit.
s a life and relationship coach. She teaches people how to live from the inside out by empowering them to focus on the things they can change. She is an internationally recognized public speaker and provides workshops in the areas of relationships, parenting, and a variety of self-growth topics. She is also the creator of the new, revolutionary process called, Inside Out Empowerment.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Woo Your Ex Girlfriend Back - Stop The Arguments With These 4 Easy Tips
Woo Your Ex Girlfriend Back - Stop The Arguments With These 4 Easy Tips
Arguments should be saved for lawyers and professional debaters. They should not be between you and your girlfriend. If you and your partner are always fighting, there is a great chance that the two of you will end up separating. Though no one wants this to happen, it's inevitable in any rocky relationships. And if you do get to that point, you may start to realize that you should have worked on fixing the problem because now, you are having problems in trying to woo your ex girlfriend back.
It's normal for couple to fight over things. It comes with the package, so to speak. But if it gets a bit too much all the time, then it becomes a drag. You will start hating each others' guts and every time you see each other, all you'll think of is a fight waiting to happen.
A lot of relationships have taken this sad and unfortunate road. And for most of those involved, the consequences are too much to bear. When the arguments become too much to handle, the only way out-it would seem at the moment-is out of the door.
If you have been on this same path, then I'm sure you are looking for ways on how to woo your ex girlfriend back and give you another chance. Lucky for you, that is what I intend to do.
Here are simple yet effective ways on how you can woo your ex girlfriend back:
Apologize. This is step number one. You need to admit your fault and ask for her forgiveness. Even if you know that your girlfriend started most of the fights, you have to be humble enough to admit your wrong. Be the bigger person; she will greatly appreciate it especially if she knows she has contributed to the break up as much as you did.
Stay away for a while. Distance yourself for a while. Give her time to contemplate and think about what she plans to do with your relationship. You should not bother her during this time because she may get more annoyed and deprive you a second chance.
Send her gifts. This is the best way to woo her back. Ladies love to receive gifts from men. They find it sweet and out of character. They are used to men not being expressive with their feelings so if she gets these lovely gifts from you, she will definitely consider taking you back.
Be the ultimate gentleman. Women love to be given special attention. Simple gestures that show how much of a gentleman you are will put a smile on her lips. She'll know you have changed your sometimes aggressive ways because she sees that you have become gentler, more passionate, and more thoughtful than before.
Promise her you will change your ways. This is the most blatant and strongest indication of how much you want your ex back. If you give her your word that you will become a better man, she will definitely take it and trust it with all her heart.
To woo your ex girlfriend back maybe not as easy as some people would think but if you have determination, patience, and love, you will surely achieve your goal.
About The Author
Just broke up?
Don't let any argument or fight get in the way of your happiness. Visit Woo Your Ex Back to find out how you can persuade her to take you back by using simple and effective means.
Tired of being alone and grumpy? You don't have to be any longer. Get your ex back and be happy...finally.
Visit the author's web site at:
http://www.myloverback.com
Arguments should be saved for lawyers and professional debaters. They should not be between you and your girlfriend. If you and your partner are always fighting, there is a great chance that the two of you will end up separating. Though no one wants this to happen, it's inevitable in any rocky relationships. And if you do get to that point, you may start to realize that you should have worked on fixing the problem because now, you are having problems in trying to woo your ex girlfriend back.
It's normal for couple to fight over things. It comes with the package, so to speak. But if it gets a bit too much all the time, then it becomes a drag. You will start hating each others' guts and every time you see each other, all you'll think of is a fight waiting to happen.
A lot of relationships have taken this sad and unfortunate road. And for most of those involved, the consequences are too much to bear. When the arguments become too much to handle, the only way out-it would seem at the moment-is out of the door.
If you have been on this same path, then I'm sure you are looking for ways on how to woo your ex girlfriend back and give you another chance. Lucky for you, that is what I intend to do.
Here are simple yet effective ways on how you can woo your ex girlfriend back:
Apologize. This is step number one. You need to admit your fault and ask for her forgiveness. Even if you know that your girlfriend started most of the fights, you have to be humble enough to admit your wrong. Be the bigger person; she will greatly appreciate it especially if she knows she has contributed to the break up as much as you did.
Stay away for a while. Distance yourself for a while. Give her time to contemplate and think about what she plans to do with your relationship. You should not bother her during this time because she may get more annoyed and deprive you a second chance.
Send her gifts. This is the best way to woo her back. Ladies love to receive gifts from men. They find it sweet and out of character. They are used to men not being expressive with their feelings so if she gets these lovely gifts from you, she will definitely consider taking you back.
Be the ultimate gentleman. Women love to be given special attention. Simple gestures that show how much of a gentleman you are will put a smile on her lips. She'll know you have changed your sometimes aggressive ways because she sees that you have become gentler, more passionate, and more thoughtful than before.
Promise her you will change your ways. This is the most blatant and strongest indication of how much you want your ex back. If you give her your word that you will become a better man, she will definitely take it and trust it with all her heart.
To woo your ex girlfriend back maybe not as easy as some people would think but if you have determination, patience, and love, you will surely achieve your goal.
About The Author
Just broke up?
Don't let any argument or fight get in the way of your happiness. Visit Woo Your Ex Back to find out how you can persuade her to take you back by using simple and effective means.
Tired of being alone and grumpy? You don't have to be any longer. Get your ex back and be happy...finally.
Visit the author's web site at:
http://www.myloverback.com
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Overcoming the Fear of Committment
Overcoming the Fear of Committment
Most women ultimately want their relationships to lead to marriage. They feel they need a man to make a commitment in order to feel secure. This need can scare men away, making them feel like an object, as if they’re being used for a woman's security. No man wants to feel as if he's being used. As soon as he does, he's going to leave. Feeling loved is different from feeling used. When a woman can really give a man freedom, it takes his fear of being used away.
Being safe and feeling free in a relationship means different things for different men. For some men, the main joy of relationships is the challenge of finding one. They pursue a woman as long as they don't have her, but once they do, they start feeling trapped. They feel as if spontaneity and new possibilities are cut off. The adventurer that longs to live in all men, feels he has no place to go, and the sense of being imprisoned in a relationship begins to grow.
Other men refuse to be tamed. They feel that women want to manage a guy and if they give in, they’ll be putty in her hands. This fear of being putty in a woman's hands, having her manage him, and having his unpredictability taken away, is equivalent to death for many men, young and old, single and married because it's as if they're succumbing to a mother figure, becoming a good boy and ultimately losing their power and masculinity.
Freedom is a man's birthright. Once they feel a woman takes away their freedom they’re likely to back away. For other men, relationships are all a power game. The one who's strong is the one who needs the other one less. The power is in not needing. These men can back away as soon as they begin to feel they need the woman more than she needs them.
For these men, their sense of power and masculinity comes from not being subject to a woman, from being the one in control. It's no wonder that men like these cannot stay with one woman long. Sooner or later their feelings of dependency start to grow. In order to squelch their own feelings, these men take to the hills. No matter how strong they think they are, the heartbreaking part is that their loneliness and frustration only intensify each time they run.
It’s important for women in relationship with these kinds of men to give them space and freedom. It’s also important to let them know, at the same time, how much they mean to you as well.
Randy, an executive in his thirties who had never been married, said all his relationships ended quickly, after only a couple of months. "What starts out great, ends up dismally. As soon as I'm with them about a month and they think they have me, the complaints begin. They don't like this or that about me. Sometimes it's the way I dress. Sometimes I don't listen enough. I could have listened all night, but the one time I didn't, they pick on that. Whatever it is, they let me know. Before long, I feel like I'm back in school again getting a D on my report card. So I smile and am polite to their face, but before they know it, I'm out the door."
A woman in relationship with a man like this would do well to encourage him to answer her back, to express his feelings. She should listen quietly and be careful about criticizing him. Many men are much more fragile than they seem. Harsh words from a woman they are dating can cut very deep. When she does express her needs and feeling, it is important to do it carefully, in a non-critical manner, making sure he is also aware of how much she values him.
Ultimately, it’s important to know the man you’re with, what makes him feel safe and valued. You can find out by asking him, and also by looking at his relationship history. When did other relationships end, and why? What was the triggering factor? Patterns often repeat. If you understand his pattern in the beginning, you have a much better chance of not getting caught. Basically, most men want to be in relationships, they want to commit. If you can understand and relate well to his particular fears, you will be giving the relationship a real chance.
Hear men tell you in their own words what makes a relationship work in eye-opening book on modern relationships - Why Men Leave, www.whymenleave.com by top psychologist Dr. Brenda Shoshanna Contact at topspeaker@yahoo.com - http://www.brendashoshanna.com/- www.whymenleave.com
Most women ultimately want their relationships to lead to marriage. They feel they need a man to make a commitment in order to feel secure. This need can scare men away, making them feel like an object, as if they’re being used for a woman's security. No man wants to feel as if he's being used. As soon as he does, he's going to leave. Feeling loved is different from feeling used. When a woman can really give a man freedom, it takes his fear of being used away.
Being safe and feeling free in a relationship means different things for different men. For some men, the main joy of relationships is the challenge of finding one. They pursue a woman as long as they don't have her, but once they do, they start feeling trapped. They feel as if spontaneity and new possibilities are cut off. The adventurer that longs to live in all men, feels he has no place to go, and the sense of being imprisoned in a relationship begins to grow.
Other men refuse to be tamed. They feel that women want to manage a guy and if they give in, they’ll be putty in her hands. This fear of being putty in a woman's hands, having her manage him, and having his unpredictability taken away, is equivalent to death for many men, young and old, single and married because it's as if they're succumbing to a mother figure, becoming a good boy and ultimately losing their power and masculinity.
Freedom is a man's birthright. Once they feel a woman takes away their freedom they’re likely to back away. For other men, relationships are all a power game. The one who's strong is the one who needs the other one less. The power is in not needing. These men can back away as soon as they begin to feel they need the woman more than she needs them.
For these men, their sense of power and masculinity comes from not being subject to a woman, from being the one in control. It's no wonder that men like these cannot stay with one woman long. Sooner or later their feelings of dependency start to grow. In order to squelch their own feelings, these men take to the hills. No matter how strong they think they are, the heartbreaking part is that their loneliness and frustration only intensify each time they run.
It’s important for women in relationship with these kinds of men to give them space and freedom. It’s also important to let them know, at the same time, how much they mean to you as well.
Randy, an executive in his thirties who had never been married, said all his relationships ended quickly, after only a couple of months. "What starts out great, ends up dismally. As soon as I'm with them about a month and they think they have me, the complaints begin. They don't like this or that about me. Sometimes it's the way I dress. Sometimes I don't listen enough. I could have listened all night, but the one time I didn't, they pick on that. Whatever it is, they let me know. Before long, I feel like I'm back in school again getting a D on my report card. So I smile and am polite to their face, but before they know it, I'm out the door."
A woman in relationship with a man like this would do well to encourage him to answer her back, to express his feelings. She should listen quietly and be careful about criticizing him. Many men are much more fragile than they seem. Harsh words from a woman they are dating can cut very deep. When she does express her needs and feeling, it is important to do it carefully, in a non-critical manner, making sure he is also aware of how much she values him.
Ultimately, it’s important to know the man you’re with, what makes him feel safe and valued. You can find out by asking him, and also by looking at his relationship history. When did other relationships end, and why? What was the triggering factor? Patterns often repeat. If you understand his pattern in the beginning, you have a much better chance of not getting caught. Basically, most men want to be in relationships, they want to commit. If you can understand and relate well to his particular fears, you will be giving the relationship a real chance.
Hear men tell you in their own words what makes a relationship work in eye-opening book on modern relationships - Why Men Leave, www.whymenleave.com by top psychologist Dr. Brenda Shoshanna Contact at topspeaker@yahoo.com - http://www.brendashoshanna.com/- www.whymenleave.com
Getting Love, Being Loving
Getting Love, Being Loving
Take a moment right now to think about your real intention when it comes to love:
* Is it most important to you to get someone to love you - to get love?
* Is it more important to you to be a loving person - to give love to yourself and others?
At any moment, you have one of these two intentions, and which you choose determines your experience of love.
GETTING LOVE
Most people move into relationships to be loved, rather than to be loving. Since most people were not loved as children and their parents did not role model loving themselves, they believe that it is getting love that will make them feel the best feelings - the best about themselves.
They go about looking for someone who they feel really sees and values them rather than learning how to see and value themselves. Not valuing themselves, they believe that the only way they will feel worthy and lovable is when someone they value loves them.
The problem is that, since we come together at our common level of woundedness, the partner they pick is also looking to get love. At the beginning, they each give the other what they believe the other wants in order to get the love they are seeking. Since both are in the relationship to get love, both want control over getting that love. Eventually, both feel very disappointed that their control tactics - giving gifts, giving themselves up, giving compliments, acting superior, getting judgmental, being demanding or angry, and so on - don't work. They either decide they chose the wrong partner and move on, or they try harder to control - convincing, explaining, debating, arguing, talking things out, and so.
But as long as they are not first giving love to themselves, they will continue to be disappointed and feel unloved.
BEING LOVING
When you learn how to take responsibility for loving yourself - for defining your own worth, taking loving care of yourself, and filling yourself with love - then you seek a relationship in order to share your love with another. You see relationships as learning opportunities to further develop your ability to love yourself and others. Relationships become opportunities to grow, play, share and love, rather than to get love, security and validation.
When your intent is to be loving, you don't see relationships as having to meet your needs. Love, real love, doesn't need anything from the other person. Real love is giving caring, compassion, and understanding for the joy of loving rather than with an agenda to get love or approval back.
Until you choose to learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for your own feelings of pain, joy, worth and security, you will likely look for someone to take away your pain and make you feel safe, worthy and secure. The belief that someone other than yourself can do this for you, and that if they "love" you they will do this for you, is a major false belief that causes many relationship problems.
As long as you are making another responsible for your feelings, you are abandoning yourself, and it is the self-abandonment that is the cause of your pain and lack of self worth.
Everything changes when you decide that your primary intention is to be loving rather than to get love. Once you make this decision, then you will naturally go about learning what you need to learn to be loving to yourself and share your love with others. Until then, you will be trapped in trying to get someone else to give you the love you need, and this will never happen, because it can only come from you. Their love is wonderful when they offer it, but you are the only one with yourself 24/7, so you are the only one who can consistently bring yourself the love you need.
Why not begin today learning how to do that?
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding� healing process. Ready to join the thousands who have discovered real love and intimacy? Learn Inner Bonding now! Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course, and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available.
Take a moment right now to think about your real intention when it comes to love:
* Is it most important to you to get someone to love you - to get love?
* Is it more important to you to be a loving person - to give love to yourself and others?
At any moment, you have one of these two intentions, and which you choose determines your experience of love.
GETTING LOVE
Most people move into relationships to be loved, rather than to be loving. Since most people were not loved as children and their parents did not role model loving themselves, they believe that it is getting love that will make them feel the best feelings - the best about themselves.
They go about looking for someone who they feel really sees and values them rather than learning how to see and value themselves. Not valuing themselves, they believe that the only way they will feel worthy and lovable is when someone they value loves them.
The problem is that, since we come together at our common level of woundedness, the partner they pick is also looking to get love. At the beginning, they each give the other what they believe the other wants in order to get the love they are seeking. Since both are in the relationship to get love, both want control over getting that love. Eventually, both feel very disappointed that their control tactics - giving gifts, giving themselves up, giving compliments, acting superior, getting judgmental, being demanding or angry, and so on - don't work. They either decide they chose the wrong partner and move on, or they try harder to control - convincing, explaining, debating, arguing, talking things out, and so.
But as long as they are not first giving love to themselves, they will continue to be disappointed and feel unloved.
BEING LOVING
When you learn how to take responsibility for loving yourself - for defining your own worth, taking loving care of yourself, and filling yourself with love - then you seek a relationship in order to share your love with another. You see relationships as learning opportunities to further develop your ability to love yourself and others. Relationships become opportunities to grow, play, share and love, rather than to get love, security and validation.
When your intent is to be loving, you don't see relationships as having to meet your needs. Love, real love, doesn't need anything from the other person. Real love is giving caring, compassion, and understanding for the joy of loving rather than with an agenda to get love or approval back.
Until you choose to learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for your own feelings of pain, joy, worth and security, you will likely look for someone to take away your pain and make you feel safe, worthy and secure. The belief that someone other than yourself can do this for you, and that if they "love" you they will do this for you, is a major false belief that causes many relationship problems.
As long as you are making another responsible for your feelings, you are abandoning yourself, and it is the self-abandonment that is the cause of your pain and lack of self worth.
Everything changes when you decide that your primary intention is to be loving rather than to get love. Once you make this decision, then you will naturally go about learning what you need to learn to be loving to yourself and share your love with others. Until then, you will be trapped in trying to get someone else to give you the love you need, and this will never happen, because it can only come from you. Their love is wonderful when they offer it, but you are the only one with yourself 24/7, so you are the only one who can consistently bring yourself the love you need.
Why not begin today learning how to do that?
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding� healing process. Ready to join the thousands who have discovered real love and intimacy? Learn Inner Bonding now! Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course, and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available.
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