Overcoming the Fear of Committment
Most women ultimately want their relationships to lead to marriage. They feel they need a man to make a commitment in order to feel secure. This need can scare men away, making them feel like an object, as if they’re being used for a woman's security. No man wants to feel as if he's being used. As soon as he does, he's going to leave. Feeling loved is different from feeling used. When a woman can really give a man freedom, it takes his fear of being used away.
Being safe and feeling free in a relationship means different things for different men. For some men, the main joy of relationships is the challenge of finding one. They pursue a woman as long as they don't have her, but once they do, they start feeling trapped. They feel as if spontaneity and new possibilities are cut off. The adventurer that longs to live in all men, feels he has no place to go, and the sense of being imprisoned in a relationship begins to grow.
Other men refuse to be tamed. They feel that women want to manage a guy and if they give in, they’ll be putty in her hands. This fear of being putty in a woman's hands, having her manage him, and having his unpredictability taken away, is equivalent to death for many men, young and old, single and married because it's as if they're succumbing to a mother figure, becoming a good boy and ultimately losing their power and masculinity.
Freedom is a man's birthright. Once they feel a woman takes away their freedom they’re likely to back away. For other men, relationships are all a power game. The one who's strong is the one who needs the other one less. The power is in not needing. These men can back away as soon as they begin to feel they need the woman more than she needs them.
For these men, their sense of power and masculinity comes from not being subject to a woman, from being the one in control. It's no wonder that men like these cannot stay with one woman long. Sooner or later their feelings of dependency start to grow. In order to squelch their own feelings, these men take to the hills. No matter how strong they think they are, the heartbreaking part is that their loneliness and frustration only intensify each time they run.
It’s important for women in relationship with these kinds of men to give them space and freedom. It’s also important to let them know, at the same time, how much they mean to you as well.
Randy, an executive in his thirties who had never been married, said all his relationships ended quickly, after only a couple of months. "What starts out great, ends up dismally. As soon as I'm with them about a month and they think they have me, the complaints begin. They don't like this or that about me. Sometimes it's the way I dress. Sometimes I don't listen enough. I could have listened all night, but the one time I didn't, they pick on that. Whatever it is, they let me know. Before long, I feel like I'm back in school again getting a D on my report card. So I smile and am polite to their face, but before they know it, I'm out the door."
A woman in relationship with a man like this would do well to encourage him to answer her back, to express his feelings. She should listen quietly and be careful about criticizing him. Many men are much more fragile than they seem. Harsh words from a woman they are dating can cut very deep. When she does express her needs and feeling, it is important to do it carefully, in a non-critical manner, making sure he is also aware of how much she values him.
Ultimately, it’s important to know the man you’re with, what makes him feel safe and valued. You can find out by asking him, and also by looking at his relationship history. When did other relationships end, and why? What was the triggering factor? Patterns often repeat. If you understand his pattern in the beginning, you have a much better chance of not getting caught. Basically, most men want to be in relationships, they want to commit. If you can understand and relate well to his particular fears, you will be giving the relationship a real chance.
Hear men tell you in their own words what makes a relationship work in eye-opening book on modern relationships - Why Men Leave, www.whymenleave.com by top psychologist Dr. Brenda Shoshanna Contact at topspeaker@yahoo.com - http://www.brendashoshanna.com/- www.whymenleave.com
Thursday, 28 May 2009
Getting Love, Being Loving
Getting Love, Being Loving
Take a moment right now to think about your real intention when it comes to love:
* Is it most important to you to get someone to love you - to get love?
* Is it more important to you to be a loving person - to give love to yourself and others?
At any moment, you have one of these two intentions, and which you choose determines your experience of love.
GETTING LOVE
Most people move into relationships to be loved, rather than to be loving. Since most people were not loved as children and their parents did not role model loving themselves, they believe that it is getting love that will make them feel the best feelings - the best about themselves.
They go about looking for someone who they feel really sees and values them rather than learning how to see and value themselves. Not valuing themselves, they believe that the only way they will feel worthy and lovable is when someone they value loves them.
The problem is that, since we come together at our common level of woundedness, the partner they pick is also looking to get love. At the beginning, they each give the other what they believe the other wants in order to get the love they are seeking. Since both are in the relationship to get love, both want control over getting that love. Eventually, both feel very disappointed that their control tactics - giving gifts, giving themselves up, giving compliments, acting superior, getting judgmental, being demanding or angry, and so on - don't work. They either decide they chose the wrong partner and move on, or they try harder to control - convincing, explaining, debating, arguing, talking things out, and so.
But as long as they are not first giving love to themselves, they will continue to be disappointed and feel unloved.
BEING LOVING
When you learn how to take responsibility for loving yourself - for defining your own worth, taking loving care of yourself, and filling yourself with love - then you seek a relationship in order to share your love with another. You see relationships as learning opportunities to further develop your ability to love yourself and others. Relationships become opportunities to grow, play, share and love, rather than to get love, security and validation.
When your intent is to be loving, you don't see relationships as having to meet your needs. Love, real love, doesn't need anything from the other person. Real love is giving caring, compassion, and understanding for the joy of loving rather than with an agenda to get love or approval back.
Until you choose to learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for your own feelings of pain, joy, worth and security, you will likely look for someone to take away your pain and make you feel safe, worthy and secure. The belief that someone other than yourself can do this for you, and that if they "love" you they will do this for you, is a major false belief that causes many relationship problems.
As long as you are making another responsible for your feelings, you are abandoning yourself, and it is the self-abandonment that is the cause of your pain and lack of self worth.
Everything changes when you decide that your primary intention is to be loving rather than to get love. Once you make this decision, then you will naturally go about learning what you need to learn to be loving to yourself and share your love with others. Until then, you will be trapped in trying to get someone else to give you the love you need, and this will never happen, because it can only come from you. Their love is wonderful when they offer it, but you are the only one with yourself 24/7, so you are the only one who can consistently bring yourself the love you need.
Why not begin today learning how to do that?
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding� healing process. Ready to join the thousands who have discovered real love and intimacy? Learn Inner Bonding now! Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course, and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available.
Take a moment right now to think about your real intention when it comes to love:
* Is it most important to you to get someone to love you - to get love?
* Is it more important to you to be a loving person - to give love to yourself and others?
At any moment, you have one of these two intentions, and which you choose determines your experience of love.
GETTING LOVE
Most people move into relationships to be loved, rather than to be loving. Since most people were not loved as children and their parents did not role model loving themselves, they believe that it is getting love that will make them feel the best feelings - the best about themselves.
They go about looking for someone who they feel really sees and values them rather than learning how to see and value themselves. Not valuing themselves, they believe that the only way they will feel worthy and lovable is when someone they value loves them.
The problem is that, since we come together at our common level of woundedness, the partner they pick is also looking to get love. At the beginning, they each give the other what they believe the other wants in order to get the love they are seeking. Since both are in the relationship to get love, both want control over getting that love. Eventually, both feel very disappointed that their control tactics - giving gifts, giving themselves up, giving compliments, acting superior, getting judgmental, being demanding or angry, and so on - don't work. They either decide they chose the wrong partner and move on, or they try harder to control - convincing, explaining, debating, arguing, talking things out, and so.
But as long as they are not first giving love to themselves, they will continue to be disappointed and feel unloved.
BEING LOVING
When you learn how to take responsibility for loving yourself - for defining your own worth, taking loving care of yourself, and filling yourself with love - then you seek a relationship in order to share your love with another. You see relationships as learning opportunities to further develop your ability to love yourself and others. Relationships become opportunities to grow, play, share and love, rather than to get love, security and validation.
When your intent is to be loving, you don't see relationships as having to meet your needs. Love, real love, doesn't need anything from the other person. Real love is giving caring, compassion, and understanding for the joy of loving rather than with an agenda to get love or approval back.
Until you choose to learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for your own feelings of pain, joy, worth and security, you will likely look for someone to take away your pain and make you feel safe, worthy and secure. The belief that someone other than yourself can do this for you, and that if they "love" you they will do this for you, is a major false belief that causes many relationship problems.
As long as you are making another responsible for your feelings, you are abandoning yourself, and it is the self-abandonment that is the cause of your pain and lack of self worth.
Everything changes when you decide that your primary intention is to be loving rather than to get love. Once you make this decision, then you will naturally go about learning what you need to learn to be loving to yourself and share your love with others. Until then, you will be trapped in trying to get someone else to give you the love you need, and this will never happen, because it can only come from you. Their love is wonderful when they offer it, but you are the only one with yourself 24/7, so you are the only one who can consistently bring yourself the love you need.
Why not begin today learning how to do that?
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding� healing process. Ready to join the thousands who have discovered real love and intimacy? Learn Inner Bonding now! Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course, and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available.
Wednesday, 27 May 2009
Keeping Love Alive For Long Distance Relationship
Keeping Love Alive For Long Distance Relationship
Long distance relationship is really hard to maintain since there is no physical contact for two lovers. Presence is very important for a lasting relationship. But still, there are many couples who are into long distance relationships.
Fortunately with the help of technology and the internet, communicating and getting closer is not anymore a problem. However, most couples do not use this advantage well. Below are great suggestions to keep the long distance love alive for both parties:
Play games together. Chat rooms now offer free games you can play with someone over the web. You can do this while chatting with your partner. This will make a big difference between just chatting and chatting while playing online games.
Watch videos online. Exchanging videos to watch is also a fun activity to do online. There are now a lot of videos available online. Now you can have something different to talk about ranging from youtube videos, or free online movies, or even foreign commercials.
Stargazing. This is one romantic idea to spend time with your loved one over chat or phone chat. You can go outside with your phone and stare at the skies while talking about your dreams together and how you missed each other so much. Romantic activities as this reminds both parties the love they have for each other.
Eating the same food and watching the same movie. You can order the same menu from a food delivery company and rent the same movie too. This way you both enjoy the same things as if you are together.
Keeping Love Alive For Long Distance Relationship
You can talk things over the phone too while you both enjoy the night eating the same food and watch the same movie.
Telling stories before going to bed. This is also romantic, calling your partner late at night while you go in bed to tell a short story about what you did the whole day. It also reminds your partner that you think of them after a long day’s work. It will be a relief to hear something like that.
Make a short video for your loved one. You can also create a short video of you and send this to your loved one. You can also be creative in doing this. You can shoot in your house, or outside your house. Think of a theme or a video message that you know would make your love happy and smile. Your video message can be played over and over again during your partner’s leisure time. This way, it reminds him/her how much you love each other.
Send things that can remind well of you. You can also send things to your love, which can remember you and your love for him/her. These things can be a lipstick, a towel, a picture, your favorite thing or a coat. It is also best to send a gift that your love can use all times. Things such as these can constantly make your loved one remember you anytime, anywhere. And it also shows that you are making a big effort to be at least with him/her in different ways.
Mary Ann Tordecilla has many years of experience with connecting people online both in dating and chat. You can connect live with singles here for free by clicking here Phone Chat Lines or clicking here Local Chat Lines. Exoticchatline.Com is the hottest free chat line in the U.S. so click here to connect live free Free Chat.
Long distance relationship is really hard to maintain since there is no physical contact for two lovers. Presence is very important for a lasting relationship. But still, there are many couples who are into long distance relationships.
Fortunately with the help of technology and the internet, communicating and getting closer is not anymore a problem. However, most couples do not use this advantage well. Below are great suggestions to keep the long distance love alive for both parties:
Play games together. Chat rooms now offer free games you can play with someone over the web. You can do this while chatting with your partner. This will make a big difference between just chatting and chatting while playing online games.
Watch videos online. Exchanging videos to watch is also a fun activity to do online. There are now a lot of videos available online. Now you can have something different to talk about ranging from youtube videos, or free online movies, or even foreign commercials.
Stargazing. This is one romantic idea to spend time with your loved one over chat or phone chat. You can go outside with your phone and stare at the skies while talking about your dreams together and how you missed each other so much. Romantic activities as this reminds both parties the love they have for each other.
Eating the same food and watching the same movie. You can order the same menu from a food delivery company and rent the same movie too. This way you both enjoy the same things as if you are together.
Keeping Love Alive For Long Distance Relationship
You can talk things over the phone too while you both enjoy the night eating the same food and watch the same movie.
Telling stories before going to bed. This is also romantic, calling your partner late at night while you go in bed to tell a short story about what you did the whole day. It also reminds your partner that you think of them after a long day’s work. It will be a relief to hear something like that.
Make a short video for your loved one. You can also create a short video of you and send this to your loved one. You can also be creative in doing this. You can shoot in your house, or outside your house. Think of a theme or a video message that you know would make your love happy and smile. Your video message can be played over and over again during your partner’s leisure time. This way, it reminds him/her how much you love each other.
Send things that can remind well of you. You can also send things to your love, which can remember you and your love for him/her. These things can be a lipstick, a towel, a picture, your favorite thing or a coat. It is also best to send a gift that your love can use all times. Things such as these can constantly make your loved one remember you anytime, anywhere. And it also shows that you are making a big effort to be at least with him/her in different ways.
Mary Ann Tordecilla has many years of experience with connecting people online both in dating and chat. You can connect live with singles here for free by clicking here Phone Chat Lines or clicking here Local Chat Lines. Exoticchatline.Com is the hottest free chat line in the U.S. so click here to connect live free Free Chat.
How to Make Yourself More Kissable
How kissable you are has a lot to do with things like your breath and how soft your lips are. You have control over these things and you can easily make yourself more kissable.
1. Make sure you don't have bad breath. You should brush your teeth several times a day and floss daily. If you can't brush after eating then use a breath mint or even better use a breath strip because the strips work better than mints. Gum isn't a good choice because you have to worry about spitting it out before you can start the kiss. Or if you are close to the person you could try to share the gum during the kiss!
2. Keep your lips soft and supple. The easiest way to do this is to use chap-stick often so they don't get dry. You don't want a chap-stick that is too flavorful or smells to strong though because that could be a turn off.
3. Make sure your skin is in good condition. In order to avoid being greasy and shiny you should use lotions that contain Shea butter. With Shea butter you won't have greasy skin after applying the lotion.
4. Look into your partner's eyes. Eye contact makes people feel closer and more intimate. If you wear glasses it is good to remove them before you go in for the kiss so they aren't interfering with the kiss. Or, even better, switch over to contacts so you don't have that problem anymore. Take them off before not during the kiss.
5. Wear things you are comfortable in and it will reflect in your behavior and actions. You don't want to be in tight, uncomfortable clothing because that can be distracting. Also, make your partner comfortable by shaving so you don't irritate her skin during the kiss.
6. If you make a point of looking directly at your partner's lips they will think about kissing you automatically. This is a good subtle thing to do when you are hanging out together. If they look at your lips in return then chances are they want to kiss you too.
7. You don't want to have a mouthful of saliva when you kiss someone so make sure to swallow right before you go in for the kiss. During the kiss the movement of your tongue during French kissing and the slight sucking during regular kissing will cause more saliva to be produced. You want a moist mouth but not one full of saliva.
8. Make sure stay calm - smiling can help with this. When you smile you relax instantly. You are not the only one who is feeling the nerves most likely. Even experienced kissers get nervous when kissing someone new for the first time.
If you feel lack of self-confidence- download Subliminal Flash program. It will help you to become confident and charismatic person in 5-7 days. Subliminal Flash is based on subliminal effect, it affects your subconscious mind.
Things to Remember:
* Guys, women show their interest in kissing you by leaning into you and looking you directly in the eyes. If you can kiss them when they do this, go for it. If not, remember the moment and kiss her later.
* An unexpected kiss can go either way. If you and your partner are close enough it can be great but if not it can be very uncomfortable.
* The two things you should not do during a kiss are pucker your lips up or lick your lips. Neither will lead to a good kiss!
* Girls, remember that men are always interested in a kiss so if you are interested as well, let them know and they will most likely respond in a positive way.
* Men like it when girls wear a pale lipstick or a lip gloss that shows off their lips. It makes a girl look kissable.
* Don't hesitate to keep the kiss going for awhile. Once you stop, stay where you are and go in for another kiss.
* Often during kissing someone will run their fingers through the other person's hair. If you have a ton of hairspray or gel in your hair that is going to be a turn-off.
* Don't feel pressured to do more than kiss if that is all you are comfortable with at the moment.
Vlad Stivenson, author of numerous articles describing how to kiss
How kissable you are has a lot to do with things like your breath and how soft your lips are. You have control over these things and you can easily make yourself more kissable.
1. Make sure you don't have bad breath. You should brush your teeth several times a day and floss daily. If you can't brush after eating then use a breath mint or even better use a breath strip because the strips work better than mints. Gum isn't a good choice because you have to worry about spitting it out before you can start the kiss. Or if you are close to the person you could try to share the gum during the kiss!
2. Keep your lips soft and supple. The easiest way to do this is to use chap-stick often so they don't get dry. You don't want a chap-stick that is too flavorful or smells to strong though because that could be a turn off.
3. Make sure your skin is in good condition. In order to avoid being greasy and shiny you should use lotions that contain Shea butter. With Shea butter you won't have greasy skin after applying the lotion.
4. Look into your partner's eyes. Eye contact makes people feel closer and more intimate. If you wear glasses it is good to remove them before you go in for the kiss so they aren't interfering with the kiss. Or, even better, switch over to contacts so you don't have that problem anymore. Take them off before not during the kiss.
5. Wear things you are comfortable in and it will reflect in your behavior and actions. You don't want to be in tight, uncomfortable clothing because that can be distracting. Also, make your partner comfortable by shaving so you don't irritate her skin during the kiss.
6. If you make a point of looking directly at your partner's lips they will think about kissing you automatically. This is a good subtle thing to do when you are hanging out together. If they look at your lips in return then chances are they want to kiss you too.
7. You don't want to have a mouthful of saliva when you kiss someone so make sure to swallow right before you go in for the kiss. During the kiss the movement of your tongue during French kissing and the slight sucking during regular kissing will cause more saliva to be produced. You want a moist mouth but not one full of saliva.
8. Make sure stay calm - smiling can help with this. When you smile you relax instantly. You are not the only one who is feeling the nerves most likely. Even experienced kissers get nervous when kissing someone new for the first time.
If you feel lack of self-confidence- download Subliminal Flash program. It will help you to become confident and charismatic person in 5-7 days. Subliminal Flash is based on subliminal effect, it affects your subconscious mind.
Things to Remember:
* Guys, women show their interest in kissing you by leaning into you and looking you directly in the eyes. If you can kiss them when they do this, go for it. If not, remember the moment and kiss her later.
* An unexpected kiss can go either way. If you and your partner are close enough it can be great but if not it can be very uncomfortable.
* The two things you should not do during a kiss are pucker your lips up or lick your lips. Neither will lead to a good kiss!
* Girls, remember that men are always interested in a kiss so if you are interested as well, let them know and they will most likely respond in a positive way.
* Men like it when girls wear a pale lipstick or a lip gloss that shows off their lips. It makes a girl look kissable.
* Don't hesitate to keep the kiss going for awhile. Once you stop, stay where you are and go in for another kiss.
* Often during kissing someone will run their fingers through the other person's hair. If you have a ton of hairspray or gel in your hair that is going to be a turn-off.
* Don't feel pressured to do more than kiss if that is all you are comfortable with at the moment.
Vlad Stivenson, author of numerous articles describing how to kiss
Monday, 25 May 2009
My Marriage: The keys to its Success
MY MARRIAGE: The Key to its Success
Marriage is one of the most dreadful institution people fears to enter into. In fact, some will prefer to stay unmarried because of the horrific stories and experiences they had heard or had. Others will prefer to keep dating and playing games with ladies or men instead of going into what seems to be a ugly romance. But, is marriage so dreadful? Is it a black market, where you cannot predict what will happen to you once you enter?
My marriage has been so great a success ever since. This is not due to the great wealth I have acquired or the wonderful job I’ve got, nor is it because I own a big mansion with fleet of cars. It is not because am the most romantic husband that ever lived. What then are the great keys to this success? I will share them in brief in the paragraphs below.
- The G Factor: That is the most effective tool I have been using in my marriage. This factor is the foundation of the first marriage that ever existed in human race. That is God. When God is the foundation and the initiator of your marriage, the future is secured. But when God is missing, any evil thing can happen to you, your wife or children. You need Him daily as the sailor needs a compass for a save voyage.
- The D Factor: You got to have a Definition for your marriage or the type of home you want. A properly defined relationship will have purpose, goals and objectives. Before setting out, I took my time to define and sometimes redefine my purpose, goals and objectives for the relationship, so anything we do are in line with the goals set before us. The other D factor is; Determination. Marriage is not easy; it takes the strong to maintain it. Determine to make it work against all odds. Quitters are always a looser. The future belongs to the bold.
- The F Factor: One of the most effective key to this my wonderful marriage is Forgiveness. Some said, ‘Marriage is the relationship between two forgivers’. That can’t be less of a truth. I have seen it work every time and it can work for you. The man that can forgive his wife or the woman that can forgive her husband everything is a great man worthy of praise. You may ask, how much should one forgive? Or, how long should I keep forgiving? My answer is, forgive every man or woman everything, everyday before you go to bed.
- The R Factor: Most people lost this immediately they exchange the rings at the alter or in the court. If romance had work for you during dating and courting time, why throw it away now? Romance has a way of putting honey into you relationship. It has a way of putting smile on your spouse’s face. It has a way of getting sex from your partner. It has a million way of making all things work out well for the both of you. So, if you want that marriage or relationship work, go back to quality romance. You will have to thank me for this later. The beautiful cards and flower on his or her birthday, a welcome kiss at the door, an assistance given to her in the kitchen, a goodbye hug while living for work, an unexpected call to know how he or she is doing at work or home. The list is endless.
- The H Factor: If this factor is missing, then all other factor may not work. You must have Hope. Don’t ever give up on your partner; don’t even try it once because, that only will destroy all your effort. Keep the hope alive. Keep trusting that things will work out the way you want them. When your spouse sees that you are not giving up on him or her, the door to change is wide open. You can imagine the opposite. You don’t have enough money to take care of yourself? Hope. You can’t get all your desire met at once? Hope. Your spouse is too adamant and will not change? Hope. Your dating or courtship days are better than what you have now? Hope. The other neighbors are doing better than you are? Hope. Hope never fails. Is alive as long as you give it breath. Never say never, and never give up.
Using these factors has been the secret of the success I have been experiencing in my marriage. Yours can’t be exception, if you will just try them out.
Author: Ben Ohonusi
For more on how to have a good relationship visit my site:
http://www.gudrelationship.blogspot.com
Friday, 22 May 2009
Dating Disaster: What To Do Best When Things Go All Wrong
Dating is fun as most of us say. But not all the times you have a great date with someone. There are also times you experienced things that you did not expect. Even for people who have a lot of dating experiences and have probably read a lot of books about dating rules and how-tos, still when a date goes wrong, many of those daters are really not prepared at all.
Most of the how-tos and be an expert on dating books and articles offer readers information on how to prepare for a date. But in the real dating world, this information does not really save you from making mistakes. Most likely, mistakes are not really on you but on your date or on the people or circumstance around you.
For example, you took your date on a restaurant. You are all groomed up practicing the right manners and saying the right words. The evening seem to be perfect when all of a sudden, a waiter approaches your table and put in the wrong food. You and you date waited for quite some time just to find out that the staff made a mistake.
Then you finally drop the “all that” act and strike the waiter by saying he made a mistake. And sooner you will realize that you are acting disgracefully and have become distracted to the situation. You also forgot that your date is even there.
A really awful disaster. And this kind of disaster can take to many forms that you won’t even see coming. Like for example, you are on the dance floor when your date saw some friends and you are both invited to come along to a different place to hang out. You sure have plans for the night but were all ruined when your date’s friends came along. So now you do not have a clue on what to do next.
These are the things that can really happen on a date. For those who read almost every dating article, the tips and how-tos there are just guidelines but you do not supposed to act according to them. The rules and tips are there to help you find your own way to explore the dating scene and become expert on your own ways.
Do not be afraid to explore things on your own. Experience is the best key to doing things right. You should also learn to accept mistakes as you go on a date. And when mistakes happen, do not give up. Be confident and as long as the evening is not over yet, you have a bigger chance of making things work out well in the end.
Persistence, creativity, and confidence are the traits that should go well when your dating plans did not turn out right. You should take to mind that you have all the confidence to escape the disaster you are in. You should be able to put on creativity to turn out the bad situation into a good one. And most importantly, you should be persistent to take your date out for a second date if things were not that all pleasant on the first date. Remember that dating should be fun and it should remain fun.
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