While conflict in marriage is inevitable, fighting is optional.
The secret is in how you approach and handle the conflict. It can make the difference between a really great relationship and a breakup looking for a place to happen.
With that notion in mind, let's take a look at five styles of handling conflict, along with alternative solutions for each.
Ready-Fire-Aim
These folks are the shooters of conflict. They live by the motto "cross me and you will pay." Instead of ready-aim-fire, they shoot first and ask questions later. This style causes lots of damage and usually serves to isolate the shooter.
Alternative solution: In the words of Stephen Covey, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." If you take the time to understand someone and that person's point of view, it's a whole lot easier to keep your shooter in its holster.
Crock potters
They let a conflict simmer for a while. Sometimes it can be as harmless as needing to mull things over before handling conflict. At their worst, crock potters simmer and seethe, building resentments, blowing up, or both.
Alternative solution: It can be healthy and productive to mull it over before you respond in a conflict. Instead of allowing it to boil over, agree on a time you will sit down together and calmly address the conflict.
Me Right/You Wrong
This style of conflict really is as primitive as Tarzan. People who hold tightly to the right to be right can go to just about any length to prove they are right, even to the point of ending the relationship.
Alternative solution: Punt. Give up the right to be right. Check out what you might be able to learn from the other point of view, which might even be as valid as your own. Shocking, I realize, but highly possible. The simple truth is that in marriage there are times when you can be right or be happy, but not both.
Tomb-ers
They elevate the infamous silent treatment to an art form. Conflict arises and they shut down. When you ask what's wrong, their reply is either "nothing" or "everything's fine," but you know better.
Alternative solution: Usually tomb-ers have a strong fear of conflict, believing that any conflict will end the relationship. Quite the opposite is true _ not dealing with the conflict can kill the relationship from within. Here are some words to begin with: "Can I tell you what I'm uncomfortable with here?"
Historians
They remember every fault, mistake and blunder ever made by their partner, including what was said, what you wore and where you were standing at the time. And, they're more than willing to remind you, in detail.
Alternative solution: Get a dry-erase board. Write the current conflict on the blank board. Deal with it. Resolve it. Erase it. Over, done with, gone.
I'm guessing that you have identified your partner's style of conflict. Now, read back through the categories and ask yourself:
Which one am I?
For more immediately useable tips and tools for your relationship, visit relationship coach Jeff Herring's interactive website at SecretsofGreatRelationships.com
Saturday, 27 June 2009
Tuesday, 16 June 2009
Relationships: Physical Compatibility
ow important is physical compatibility in relationships? Well, it depends on the couple. For some people their physicality is of utmost importance to them. When it is, they often want their partner to engage in many of their activities with them. For some couples the physical nature of their relationship is not important to either of them. And for some couples, if one rates the physical aspect high and the other one doesn’t, happy satisfied couples have found ways to satisfy that physical element outside of their relationship.
I have done research with couples who self-identify as happy and satisfied after being together at least ten years. One area I ask about is their satisfaction in the physical area. This can encompass many things. It can mean sexual compatibility. It can mean being satisfied with each other’s overall health and level of activity. It can translate into satisfaction with romance or public displays of affection or lack thereof. It could mean satisfaction with one’s partner’s physical appearance.
The one aspect of physical compatibility that seems to be most important is sexual compatibility. The vast majority of the couples I interviewed reported not having other intimate relationships outside of their committed one. They also reported a healthy sex life, well into their later years.
As author, Kevin Lehman writes in his book Sheet Music, sex in a marriage is very important and necessary to a man. He believes a woman who denies her man enthusiastic involvement in the sexual act is like a man who refuses to talk to his partner. As a general rule, women need communication and men need physical connection. That is not to say women don’t enjoy sex and men don’t like to communicate. It’s just the general trend among the genders.
I also interviewed couples who both reported sex was no longer a part of their relationship and they were both at peace with that fact. I even interviewed one couple who were married as heterosexuals. He underwent a sex change operation and is now a woman. They have remained a lesbian couple and the wife also satisfies her sexual desires with a man and her partner fully sanctions that activity.
Other aspects of the sexual area to consider are frequency, duration and creativity. All of these are things that couples should discuss and come to agreement about. If one person wants to explore all manner of sexual activity with his or her partner and the other partner is interested only in the missionary position, then that relationship may be in for some rocky roads.
Romance, foreplay and public displays of affection are also areas where it is helpful to find agreement with your partner.
Compatibility in the sexual area is critical to relationship success but the level of activity is defined by the couples themselves.
Sometimes couples highly value the external appearance of their partner. They want the partner whose look is pleasing to him or her. I interviewed a couple who are both 88 years old, married 56 years. When they were married, the husband loved the way his wife looked. Her beauty was very important to him and he referred to her as his “pin up girl.” Do you know now, 56 years later, he still refers to her as his “pin up girl”? That is a man who was able to adjust and expand his physical expectations to match the maturation of their relationship. Contrast that with a person who gets together with his or her partner based strictly on external beauty. Once that beauty begins to fade, as it inevitably will, he or she will be looking for the next partner to replace the aging one. For some couples, the outer beauty of a person is not important for either of them. And for still other couples, external beauty is of the utmost importance and they are very conscious of their weight, nutrition and may have cosmetic surgery to assist in maintaining their beauty.
A final area to look at is health and fitness. What I found in my research is that for many people who value this aspect of life, they were attracted to partners who did also. This makes the relationship smooth in this area. They often engage in common activities of fitness. They may like to hike, bike, swim, lift weights, and go to the gym together. They may even engage in their activities with other people and that is fine as long as they are maintaining their overall health and fitness. They also generally agree on their nutritional choices.
If this is an area that is not important to either couple, then there is no issue here and they are compatible in their indifference to health and fitness. What challenges and potentially strains a relationship is when one person values this and the other doesn’t. I saw this more with older couples where one partner was perhaps more overweight and in poorer health. One person becomes worried about their partner’s health and mortality.
The bottom line is that different things work for different couples. While some highly value aspects of this physical area and want their partners to value it too, some couples are able to enjoy the aspects of their physical life that are important to them while allowing their partner to do what’s important to him or her. And there are yet other couples who do not value this area at all. The couples who reported being happy and satisfied with their relationship did not have conflict in this area. Either they were compatible in this area or they simply allowed each other to fully express themselves in this area as they saw fit.
s a life and relationship coach. She teaches people how to live from the inside out by empowering them to focus on the things they can change. She is an internationally recognized public speaker and provides workshops in the areas of relationships, parenting, and a variety of self-growth topics. She is also the creator of the new, revolutionary process called, Inside Out Empowerment.
I have done research with couples who self-identify as happy and satisfied after being together at least ten years. One area I ask about is their satisfaction in the physical area. This can encompass many things. It can mean sexual compatibility. It can mean being satisfied with each other’s overall health and level of activity. It can translate into satisfaction with romance or public displays of affection or lack thereof. It could mean satisfaction with one’s partner’s physical appearance.
The one aspect of physical compatibility that seems to be most important is sexual compatibility. The vast majority of the couples I interviewed reported not having other intimate relationships outside of their committed one. They also reported a healthy sex life, well into their later years.
As author, Kevin Lehman writes in his book Sheet Music, sex in a marriage is very important and necessary to a man. He believes a woman who denies her man enthusiastic involvement in the sexual act is like a man who refuses to talk to his partner. As a general rule, women need communication and men need physical connection. That is not to say women don’t enjoy sex and men don’t like to communicate. It’s just the general trend among the genders.
I also interviewed couples who both reported sex was no longer a part of their relationship and they were both at peace with that fact. I even interviewed one couple who were married as heterosexuals. He underwent a sex change operation and is now a woman. They have remained a lesbian couple and the wife also satisfies her sexual desires with a man and her partner fully sanctions that activity.
Other aspects of the sexual area to consider are frequency, duration and creativity. All of these are things that couples should discuss and come to agreement about. If one person wants to explore all manner of sexual activity with his or her partner and the other partner is interested only in the missionary position, then that relationship may be in for some rocky roads.
Romance, foreplay and public displays of affection are also areas where it is helpful to find agreement with your partner.
Compatibility in the sexual area is critical to relationship success but the level of activity is defined by the couples themselves.
Sometimes couples highly value the external appearance of their partner. They want the partner whose look is pleasing to him or her. I interviewed a couple who are both 88 years old, married 56 years. When they were married, the husband loved the way his wife looked. Her beauty was very important to him and he referred to her as his “pin up girl.” Do you know now, 56 years later, he still refers to her as his “pin up girl”? That is a man who was able to adjust and expand his physical expectations to match the maturation of their relationship. Contrast that with a person who gets together with his or her partner based strictly on external beauty. Once that beauty begins to fade, as it inevitably will, he or she will be looking for the next partner to replace the aging one. For some couples, the outer beauty of a person is not important for either of them. And for still other couples, external beauty is of the utmost importance and they are very conscious of their weight, nutrition and may have cosmetic surgery to assist in maintaining their beauty.
A final area to look at is health and fitness. What I found in my research is that for many people who value this aspect of life, they were attracted to partners who did also. This makes the relationship smooth in this area. They often engage in common activities of fitness. They may like to hike, bike, swim, lift weights, and go to the gym together. They may even engage in their activities with other people and that is fine as long as they are maintaining their overall health and fitness. They also generally agree on their nutritional choices.
If this is an area that is not important to either couple, then there is no issue here and they are compatible in their indifference to health and fitness. What challenges and potentially strains a relationship is when one person values this and the other doesn’t. I saw this more with older couples where one partner was perhaps more overweight and in poorer health. One person becomes worried about their partner’s health and mortality.
The bottom line is that different things work for different couples. While some highly value aspects of this physical area and want their partners to value it too, some couples are able to enjoy the aspects of their physical life that are important to them while allowing their partner to do what’s important to him or her. And there are yet other couples who do not value this area at all. The couples who reported being happy and satisfied with their relationship did not have conflict in this area. Either they were compatible in this area or they simply allowed each other to fully express themselves in this area as they saw fit.
s a life and relationship coach. She teaches people how to live from the inside out by empowering them to focus on the things they can change. She is an internationally recognized public speaker and provides workshops in the areas of relationships, parenting, and a variety of self-growth topics. She is also the creator of the new, revolutionary process called, Inside Out Empowerment.
Monday, 8 June 2009
Woo Your Ex Girlfriend Back - Stop The Arguments With These 4 Easy Tips
Woo Your Ex Girlfriend Back - Stop The Arguments With These 4 Easy Tips
Arguments should be saved for lawyers and professional debaters. They should not be between you and your girlfriend. If you and your partner are always fighting, there is a great chance that the two of you will end up separating. Though no one wants this to happen, it's inevitable in any rocky relationships. And if you do get to that point, you may start to realize that you should have worked on fixing the problem because now, you are having problems in trying to woo your ex girlfriend back.
It's normal for couple to fight over things. It comes with the package, so to speak. But if it gets a bit too much all the time, then it becomes a drag. You will start hating each others' guts and every time you see each other, all you'll think of is a fight waiting to happen.
A lot of relationships have taken this sad and unfortunate road. And for most of those involved, the consequences are too much to bear. When the arguments become too much to handle, the only way out-it would seem at the moment-is out of the door.
If you have been on this same path, then I'm sure you are looking for ways on how to woo your ex girlfriend back and give you another chance. Lucky for you, that is what I intend to do.
Here are simple yet effective ways on how you can woo your ex girlfriend back:
Apologize. This is step number one. You need to admit your fault and ask for her forgiveness. Even if you know that your girlfriend started most of the fights, you have to be humble enough to admit your wrong. Be the bigger person; she will greatly appreciate it especially if she knows she has contributed to the break up as much as you did.
Stay away for a while. Distance yourself for a while. Give her time to contemplate and think about what she plans to do with your relationship. You should not bother her during this time because she may get more annoyed and deprive you a second chance.
Send her gifts. This is the best way to woo her back. Ladies love to receive gifts from men. They find it sweet and out of character. They are used to men not being expressive with their feelings so if she gets these lovely gifts from you, she will definitely consider taking you back.
Be the ultimate gentleman. Women love to be given special attention. Simple gestures that show how much of a gentleman you are will put a smile on her lips. She'll know you have changed your sometimes aggressive ways because she sees that you have become gentler, more passionate, and more thoughtful than before.
Promise her you will change your ways. This is the most blatant and strongest indication of how much you want your ex back. If you give her your word that you will become a better man, she will definitely take it and trust it with all her heart.
To woo your ex girlfriend back maybe not as easy as some people would think but if you have determination, patience, and love, you will surely achieve your goal.
About The Author
Just broke up?
Don't let any argument or fight get in the way of your happiness. Visit Woo Your Ex Back to find out how you can persuade her to take you back by using simple and effective means.
Tired of being alone and grumpy? You don't have to be any longer. Get your ex back and be happy...finally.
Visit the author's web site at:
http://www.myloverback.com
Arguments should be saved for lawyers and professional debaters. They should not be between you and your girlfriend. If you and your partner are always fighting, there is a great chance that the two of you will end up separating. Though no one wants this to happen, it's inevitable in any rocky relationships. And if you do get to that point, you may start to realize that you should have worked on fixing the problem because now, you are having problems in trying to woo your ex girlfriend back.
It's normal for couple to fight over things. It comes with the package, so to speak. But if it gets a bit too much all the time, then it becomes a drag. You will start hating each others' guts and every time you see each other, all you'll think of is a fight waiting to happen.
A lot of relationships have taken this sad and unfortunate road. And for most of those involved, the consequences are too much to bear. When the arguments become too much to handle, the only way out-it would seem at the moment-is out of the door.
If you have been on this same path, then I'm sure you are looking for ways on how to woo your ex girlfriend back and give you another chance. Lucky for you, that is what I intend to do.
Here are simple yet effective ways on how you can woo your ex girlfriend back:
Apologize. This is step number one. You need to admit your fault and ask for her forgiveness. Even if you know that your girlfriend started most of the fights, you have to be humble enough to admit your wrong. Be the bigger person; she will greatly appreciate it especially if she knows she has contributed to the break up as much as you did.
Stay away for a while. Distance yourself for a while. Give her time to contemplate and think about what she plans to do with your relationship. You should not bother her during this time because she may get more annoyed and deprive you a second chance.
Send her gifts. This is the best way to woo her back. Ladies love to receive gifts from men. They find it sweet and out of character. They are used to men not being expressive with their feelings so if she gets these lovely gifts from you, she will definitely consider taking you back.
Be the ultimate gentleman. Women love to be given special attention. Simple gestures that show how much of a gentleman you are will put a smile on her lips. She'll know you have changed your sometimes aggressive ways because she sees that you have become gentler, more passionate, and more thoughtful than before.
Promise her you will change your ways. This is the most blatant and strongest indication of how much you want your ex back. If you give her your word that you will become a better man, she will definitely take it and trust it with all her heart.
To woo your ex girlfriend back maybe not as easy as some people would think but if you have determination, patience, and love, you will surely achieve your goal.
About The Author
Just broke up?
Don't let any argument or fight get in the way of your happiness. Visit Woo Your Ex Back to find out how you can persuade her to take you back by using simple and effective means.
Tired of being alone and grumpy? You don't have to be any longer. Get your ex back and be happy...finally.
Visit the author's web site at:
http://www.myloverback.com
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