Five Ways Men and Women Communicate Differently

Men and women are different in many ways. They see the world through completely different perspectives. The key to understanding their differences is in the way that men and women communicate.

Here are six important communication differences that you should be aware of, to help improve your communications with your partner and make them smoother and more effective.

1. Why Talk?
He believes communication should have a clear purpose. Behind every conversation is a problem that needs solving or a point that needs to be made. Communication is used to get to the root of the dilemma as efficiently as possible.

She uses communication to discover how she is feeling and what it is she wants to say. She sees conversation as an act of sharing and an opportunity to increase intimacy with her partner. Through sharing, she releases negative feelings and solidifies her bond with the man she loves.

2. How Much Should You Say?
He prioritizes productivity and efficiency in his daily life, and conversation is no exception. When he tells a story he has already sorted through the muck in his own head, and shares only those details that he deems essential to the point of the story. He might wonder, “Why do women need to talk as much as they do?” Often he will interrupt a woman once he has heard enough to offer a solution.

She uses communication to explore and organize her thoughts — to discover the point of the story. She may not know what information is necessary or excessive until the words come spilling out. But a woman isn’t necessarily searching for a solution when she initiates a conversation. She’s looking for someone to listen and understand what she’s feeling.

3. What Does It Mean To Listen?
He is conditioned to listen actively. When a woman initiates conversation he assumes she is seeking his advice or assistance. He engages with the woman, filtering everything she’s saying through the lens of, “What can we actually do about this?” Learning to listen patiently — not just passively — doesn’t come easily to him.

She sees conversation as a productive end in and of itself. If she feels sufficiently heard or understood she may not need to take further action to resolve a problem or “make things better.” The fact that she has been listened to assuages her anxieties and dulls the pangs of negative feelings. Sharing with someone who understands and loves her heals her from the inside and equips her with the emotional tools necessary to handle the trials and tribulations of the outside world.

4. When She Is Feeling Down …
He will want to tackle her problems head on, like a fireman. He feels impatient to put the fire out as quickly as possible. For him, the quickest way to put the fire out is by giving solutions. Because he wants so badly to provide for his spouse, he may take her mood personally and defend himself. He might hear things literally, not realizing that when his spouse is upset she will use words as tools to explore and express difficult emotions.

By using words as tools to explore and express her difficult emotions when she is upset, she is able to process her negative emotions and let them go. She values support and nurture, and is most fulfilled by sharing, cooperation and community. When he shows interest in her by asking caring questions or expressing heartfelt concerns she feels loved and cared for. He is fulfilling her first primary love need.

5. When He Is Feeling Down …
He will often withdraw into his “cave” (becoming quiet and withdrawn) when he’s upset or stressed. A man’s “cave time” is like a short vacation: he reduces stress by forgetting about his problems and focusing on other things like watching television, reading the newspaper, or playing video games.
He might avoid communication with his spouse during times of duress. If she persists with nurturing questions or criticism, he withdraws even further, fearing that his partner doesn’t trust him to take care of business on his own. However, with her support and understanding, a man will return and be more emotionally available, caring, and loving.

She might interpret her spouse’s silence as a sign that she is failing him or that she’s losing him. She instinctively tries to nurture him through his problems by asking an abundance of caring questions. Or she may react defensively out of fear that her own need for healthy open communication is not being respected within the relationship.

Ultimately, she can do more for him by appreciating his space, which shows him that she trusts him to work out the problem on his own. Trusting is one of the greatest gifts she has to offer him. In the meantime she should do something nurturing for herself, so she won’t resent him when he emerges from his “cave time.”


He feels like he’s being told what to do. The most important thing to a man is doing a good job. When his competence is questioned he’ll not only feel hurt, but he’ll throw up a wall of resistance, and communication begins to breakdown. He thrives in an environment where he’s the expert. Rather than being told, “You should do X” he is likely to respond better to, “What do you think of X?” The trick to improving him is to resist telling him what to do.

She hears from her spouse that her problems aren’t as real and pressing as they seem in that very moment. Her spouse may mistakenly think he’s being helpful in providing “reality checks” like: “You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill” or “You’re getting overly emotional about it.” To her it feels like he is attempting to minimize her feelings or talk her out of having them.

Men and women desire to satisfy their partners, but they may miss the mark because it is truly difficult to understand and accept our partner’s different ways of communication. Men and women need education on these differences to help their relationships, so they do not end up in a frustrated state of resentment and feel stuck.

If a couple is feeling stuck, I suggest they read or listen to couples self-help books together. If the couple still feels stuck, then they should always seek professional counseling and get back on the road to better understanding and communication.

Contributed by YourTango.com, an online magazine dedicated to love, life and relationships.
This guest article from YourTango was written by Richard Drobnick. 

12 Ways to Mend a Broken Heart

Bess Myerson once wrote that “to fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful,” especially if you are the one who wanted the relationship to last. But to stop loving isn’t an option. Author Henri Nouwen writes, “When those you love deeply reject you, leave you, or die, your heart will be broken. But that should not hold you back from loving deeply. The pain that comes from deep love makes your love ever more fruitful.” But how do we get beyond the pain? Here are 12 techniques I’ve gathered from experts and from conversations with friends on how they patched up their heart and tried, ever so gradually, to move on.

 1. Go through it, not around it.
 I realize the most difficult task for a person with a broken heart is to stand still and feel the crack. But that is exactly what she must do. Because no shortcut is without its share of obstructions. Here’s a simple fact: You have to grieve in order to move on. During the 18 months of my severe depression, my therapist repeated almost every visit: “Go through it. Not around it.” Because if I went around some of the issues that were tearing me apart inside, then I would bump into them somewhere down the line, just like being caught in the center of a traffic circle. By going through the intense pain, I eventually surfaced as a stronger person ready to tackle problems head on. Soon the pain lost its stronghold over me.

 2. Stand on your own.
 One of the most liberating thoughts I repeat to myself when I’m immersed in grief and sadness is this: “I don’t need anyone or anything to make me happy.” That job is all my own, with a little help from God. When I’m experiencing the intense pangs of grief, it is so difficult to trust that I can be whole without that person in my life. But I have learned over and over again that I can. I really can. It is my job to fill the emptiness, and I can do it … creatively, and with the help of my higher power.

 3. Detach.
 Attempting to fill the void yourself–without rushing to a new relationship or trying desperately to win your lover back–is essentially what detaching is all about. The Buddha taught that attachment leads to suffering. So the most direct path to happiness and peace is detachment. In his book, Eastern Wisdom for Western Minds, Victor M. Parachin tells a wonderful story about an old gardener who sought advice from a monk. Writes Parachin:
“Great Monk, let me ask you: How can I attain liberation?” The Great Monk replied, “Who tied you up?” This old gardener answered, “Nobody tied me up.” The Great Monk said, “Then why do you seek liberation?”

4. List your strengths.
 As I wrote in my “12 Ways to Keep Going” post, a technique that helps me when I feel raw and defeated to try anymore is to list my strengths. I say to myself, “Self, you have been sober for 20 years!! Weaklings can’t pull off that! And here you are, alive, after those 18 months of intense suicidal thoughts. Plus you haven’t smoked a cigarette since that funeral back in December of last year!” I say all of that while listening to the “Rocky” soundtrack, and by the last line, I’m ready to tackle my next challenge: move on from this sadness and try to be a productive individual in this world. If you can’t list your strengths, start a self-esteem file.

 5. Allow some fantasizing.
 Grief wouldn’t be the natural process that it should be without some yearning for the person you just lost. Dr. Christine Whelan, who writes the “Pure Sex, Pure Column” on BustedHalo.com, explains the logic of allowing a bit of fantasy. She writes:
If you are trying to banish a sexual fantasy from your head, telling yourself “I’m not going to fantasize about her” or “I won’t think about what it would be like to be intimate with him” might make it worse: In a famous psychological study from the 1980s, a group of subjects were told to think about anything but whatever they did, they were not supposed to think about a white bear. Guess what they all thought about?

6. Help someone else.
 When I’m in pain, the only guaranteed antidote to my suffering is to box up all of my feelings, sort them, and then try to find a use for them. That’s why writing Beyond Blue contributes a big chunk to my recovery, why moderating Group Beyond Blue has me excited to wake up every day. When you turn your attention to another person–especially someone who is struggling with the same kind of pain–you forget about yourself for a split moment. And let’s face it, on some days, that feels like a miracle.

 7. Laugh And cry.
 Laughter heals on many levels as I explain in my “9 Ways Humor Heals” post, and so does crying. You think it’s just a coincidence that you always feel better after a good cry? Nope, there are many physiological reasons that contribute to the healing power of tears. Some of them have been documented by biochemist William Frey who has spent 15 years as head of a research team studying tears. Among their findings is that emotional tears (as compared to tears of irritation, like when you cut an onion) contain toxic biochemical byproducts, so that weeping removes these toxic substances and relieves emotional stress. So go grab a box of Kleenex and cry your afternoon away.

 8. Make a good and bad list.
 You need to know which activities will make you feel good, and which ones will make you want to toilet paper your ex-lover’s home (or apartment). You won’t really know which activity belongs on which list until you start trying things, but I suspect that things like checking out his wall on Facebook and seeing that he has just posted a photo of his gorgeous new girlfriend is not going to make you feel good, so put that on the “don’t attempt” list, along with e-mails and phone calls to his buddies fishing for information about him. On the “feels peachy” list might be found such ventures as: deleting all of his e-mails and voicemails, pawning off the jewelry he gave you (using the cash for a much-needed massage?), laughing over coffee with a new friend who doesn’t know him from Adam (to ensure his name won’t come up).

 9. Work it out.
 Working out your grief quite literally – by running, swimming, walking, or kick-boxing – is going to give you immediate relief. On a physiological level–because exercise increases the activity of serotonin and/or norepinehrine and stimulates brain chemicals that foster growth of nerve cells–but also on an emotional level, because you are taking charge and becoming the master of your mind and body. Plus you can visualize the fellow who is responsible for your pain and you can kick him in the face. Now doesn’t that feel good?

 10. Create a new world.
 This is especially important if your world has collided with his, meaning that mutual friends who have seen him in the last week feel the need to tell you about it. Create your own safe world–full of new friends who wouldn’t recognize him in a crowd and don’t know how to spell his name–where he is not allowed to drop by for a figurative or literal surprise visit. Take this opportunity to try something new – scuba diving lessons, an art class, a book club, a blog – to program your mind and body to expect a fresh beginning – without him.

 11. Find hope.
 There’s a powerful quote in the movie The Tale of Despereaux that I’ve been thinking about ever since I heard it: “There is one emotion that is stronger than fear, and that is forgiveness.” I suppose that’s why, at my father’s deathbed, the moment of reconciliation between us made me less scared to lose him. But forgiveness requires hope: believing that a better place exists, that the aching emptiness experienced in your every activity won’t be with you forever, that one day you’ll be excited to make coffee in the morning or go to a movie with friends. Hope is believing that the sadness can evaporate, that if you try like hell to move on with your life, your smile won’t always be forced. Therefore in order to forgive and to move past fear, you need to find hope.

 12. Love deeply. Again and again.
 Once our hearts are bruised and burned from a relationship that ended, we have two options: we can close off pieces of our heart so that one day no one will be able to get inside. Or we can love again. Deeply, just as intensely as we did before. Henri Nouwen urges to love again because the heart only expands with the love we are able to pour forth. He writes:
The more you have loved and have allowed yourself to suffer because of your love, the more you will be able to let your heart grow wider and deeper. When your love is truly giving and receiving, those whom you love will not leave your heart even when they depart from you. The pain of rejection, absence, and death can become fruitful. Yes, as you love deeply the ground of your heart will be broken more and more, but you will rejoice in the abundance of the fruit it will bear.

By: Therese Borchard
Therese Borchard is the author of the hit daily blog “Beyond Blue” on Beliefnet.com.

10 Money Mistakes That Can Ruin a Marriage

As anyone who’s been there knows, there’s no such thing as a friction-free marriage. But arguing can be ominous when the topic is money.

Couples who reported disagreeing about finances once a week were 30 percent more likely to get divorced than couples who reported disagreeing about them once a month, according to a Utah State University study.

In another survey, published in the Forum for Family and Consumer Issues, finances proved to be the leading cause of conflict in marriage, with 39 percent of respondents listing it as their primary issue and 54 percent as their secondary issue.

Here are 10 of the most common mistakes couples make when dealing with money.
1. Not talking enough about finances

There’s a time and place for everything, but it’s often difficult to find the right time and place to talk money.

Some couples benefit from scheduling a time to talk about money matters, just like they would for a date night or business meeting. Other couples might choose to set a monetary limit that would initiate a conversation: Let’s say, for example, they decide purchases under $500 are discretionary but spending money over that amount warrants a discussion.

Find what works for you and your spouse and commit to it. It might not be the most enjoyable way to spend time together, but you’ll thank yourselves later.

2. Thinking you can buy love

If you think splurging on a new diamond ring or luxury car will help improve your marriage, think again.

A Brigham Young University study found couples with two materialistic spouses were worse off on nearly every measure. Following behind were couples with one materialistic spouse.

Couples who claimed money was not important to them, however, were lucky in love: They scored 10 to 15 percent better on marriage stability and other measures of relationship quality than couples with one or two materialistic spouses.

Interestingly, it didn’t matter how much money they had, but how much value they put on money. In the study, couples who were better off financially but admitted to having “a strong love of money” found that money was a bigger source of conflict.

3. Ignoring conflicting spending habits

Scholars have found that individuals gravitate toward spouses who look, sound, and act as they do – except when it comes to money, according to surveys conducted by the University of Pennsylvania, University of Michigan, and Northwestern University.

Penny pinchers and reckless spenders tend to marry the other, but these couples report unhappier marriages than those in which both spouses had similar spending habits, the studies revealed.

Disparity in spending can be manageable, but if issues aren’t addressed, research says this could increase your likelihood of divorce. The Utah State University study found individuals who feel their spouse spends money foolishly reported lower levels of marital happiness and gauged their likelihood of divorce at 45 percent.

4. Not agreeing on how to divide money

Whether you have joint or separate accounts – or both – doesn’t really matter. What does is whether your financial plan is the right one for your marriage.

This comes down to you and your spouse’s spending habits and money values. If you’re unnecessarily stressing about small, day-to-day purchases, for example, it might be better to put part of your finances in separate accounts – so you’re less likely to question your spouse’s every buy. If you work better as a team knowing where all your money is and where it’s going at all times, then merged accounts could be better.

5. Taking on too much debt

About 76 percent of Americans admit money is a significant source of stress in their lives, according to an American Psychological Association report.

There’s nothing more stressful about money than debt – especially the high-interest, hard-to-pay-off kind. If there’s debt hanging overhead that’s threatening to come between you, read stories like A Simple System to Destroy Debt and focus on paying it off – together.

6. Hiding purchases or debts

Eighty percent of married couples hide some purchases from their spouse, according to a survey by nonprofit CESI Debt Solutions – with men admitting they’re more likely to routinely cover up their spending.

The survey revealed 30 percent of respondents view financial infidelity as being just as harmful as sexual infidelity. What’s more, 79 percent of married respondents were more likely to confess about their financial infidelity to a friend than their spouse.

7. Lending or borrowing money from family

In our recent story The 7 Dumbest Ways to Borrow Money, we explained that borrowing money from family comes with major strings attached. After all, you’re risking your relationship if the deal goes bad.

These waters are even more treacherous for married couples. Rule of thumb: Whether it’s borrowing or lending, the fewer in-laws involved, the better.

Of course, with the right scenarios, borrowing money from or lending it to family can be a success. But proceed with caution: Consider drafting a legal document to ensure everyone’s on the same page, and resist splurging on luxury items while you still owe family members money.

8. Believing you need to split up financial responsibilities traditionally

Traditional roles suggest that women manage the day-to-day finances, like balancing the checkbook and paying the utility bills, and men typically handle investing and financial planning. But traditional isn’t always best.

A better option: Recognize each other’s individual strengths and divvy up the financial tasks accordingly. You want the best candidate for the job, regardless of what other couples do or used to do.

9. Failing to recognize that money matters carry emotional weight

Compared with disagreements over any other topic, research shows financial disagreements last longer, are more salient to couples, and generate more negative conflict tactics, such as yelling.

Money conflicts in marriage particularly affect men. Research suggests that since they are socialized to be providers, men tend to take financial conflict harder than women.

10. Not enjoying your money together

Money doesn’t always have to be a source of stress or conflict. It can also be a source of pleasure. Some of my happiest memories with my husband wouldn’t have been possible without us spending money – on things like exploring Italy, or taking our daughter on her first trip to Florida.

In fact, research indicates that spending money on new experiences, like concert tickets or a wine tasting, produces longer-lasting satisfaction than spending money on material possessions. Experiences bring us happiness not only when we’re experiencing them, but also whenever we reflect back on them as memories.

By Renee Morad 

Money Talk News

Ten Tips to Having a Healthy Marriage

How can you be encouraged to have a healthy marriage when the signs of divorce are posted everywhere? Here are a few tips that will help you on your quest towards a healthy marriage:

1. Be Appreciative- Tell your spouse that you appreciate them and everything they do for you, even the small things.

2. Be Committed- stand strong in your commitment to save your marriage and make it healthy again. If you don't stand up for your own marriage, who will? God gives you more strength than you can ever imagine.

3. Be Communicative- Keep those lines of communication open with your spouse. Talk to them daily and just discuss family matters and matters of the heart with them. It shows inclusion and promotes openness. You should also make your requests known to God, who will hear your prayers and help you in your walk to have a healthy marriage.

4. Be Encouraging- Say words of encouragement to your spouse. When they do something great, tell them that they did a great job or good work. It can only encourage them to keep pleasing you, right?

5. Be Genuine- In your communications, have a spirit of genuineness and not sighing, pouting or complaining about something. If you have been with them long enough, they will detect if you are genuine or just doing it for self-gain. Do it in love!

6. Be Fearless- Don't be afraid to try new things in your marriage to make it more enjoyable. Go someplace new (even if it's to a new park or restaurant), try a new bedroom move (just don't hurt yourself), try a new perfume/cologne to entice your spouse (or as the old timers used to say, a new "come and get me sauce"). Just don't be afraid to do it. This is YOUR spouse and you are entitled to have a great time with them. And the best thing about it is "IT'S 100% LEGAL!

7. Be Fun- Did you ever have fun with your spouse early on in your marriage or during the engagement stage? I know you both hung out and took walks in the park, went to the beach, baseball games, basketball games, plays, movies, etc. You did things that were fun and enjoyable for both of you. So why do you think that you can't still have fun because you are married now?

8. Be Honest- Be sincere and truthful in your communications. If you are worried or hurting about something, talk about it honestly. You know when the door is opened for that honest communication with your spouse, so don't be afraid to do it.

9. Be Humorous- Didn't you ever laugh when you were dating your spouse? Surely somebody cracked a joke or two in the relationship. You cannot tell me that you didn't laugh at jokes, movies, falling down, getting up or just silly things. But you know, those things gave you both hope and lightened the load of just being in a relationship. Remember, laughter is good relationship medicine and should be practiced as often as you can do it.

10. Be a Listener- There are times when our spouses just want a listening ear. Don't be too busy to be a listener when your spouse needs to talk. You did talk all night when you were dating right? The difference now is that you don't tell them to go home and come back tomorrow, because you are living under the same household. Lend that ear to them and they will cherish it!

Now I didn't mention prayer specifically because that should be a given in any relationship. Praying about your situation and how to handle it should be first and foremost in your marriage; period! Remember this, if you are not fulfilling your role as the spouse that God wants you to be, someone else will be happy to try and fill it for you. Don't let that happen in your marriage. Take Charge of what you need to do to keep your marriage healthy. Just put forth the effort first and allow God to lead you the rest of the way.

10 Practical Ways to Identify Abusive Men

 1.  Selfishness: An expectation of being the center of attention, having his needs anticipated. May not support or listen to others. Believe that men are entitled to sex from their partners. Believe that they have the right to behave in whatever way they choose in their own home.

2. Superiority: Contempt for woman as stupid, unworthy, a sex object or a house keeper. Think that a ‘real’ man should be tough, powerful and the head of the household. They may believe that they should make most of the decisions, including about how money is spent.

3.  Control: Control is the” overarching behavioral characteristic” of abusive men, achieved with criticism, verbal abuse, financial control, isolation, cruelty, etc. The need to control may deepen over time or escalate if a woman seeks independence (e.g. going to school). They use violence and emotional abuse to control their families.

4. Entitlement: Entitlement is the overarching attitudinal characteristics” of abusive men, a belief in having Special right without responsibilities, justifying unreasonable expectations (e.g. family life must center on his needs). He will feel the wronged party when his need are not met and may justify violence as self-defense.

5. Possessiveness: Seeing a woman and his children as property.

6. Confusing Love and Abuse: Explanation violence as an expression of his deep love.

7.  Manipulativeness: A tactic of confusion, a distortion and lies. May project image of himself as good, portray the woman as crazy or abusive.

8.   Contradictory Statement and Behaviors: Saying one thing and doing another, such as being publicly critical of men who abuse women.

9. Externalization of Responsibility: Shifting blame for his actions and their effect to others, especially the woman, or to external factors such as job stress.

10. Denial, Minimization and Victim Blaming: Refusing to acknowledge abusive behavior(e.g. she fell), not acknowledging the seriousness of his behavior and its effect (e.g. it’s just a scratch), blaming the Victim (e.g. she drove me to it : she made it up because I have a new girlfriend). Don’t take responsibility fir their behavior and prefer to think that loved ones or circumstances provoked their behavior.

The Top 10 Reasons People Get Divorced

If you think that sexual infidelity is the leading cause of divorce, you've got it all wrong. We polled over 100 YourTango Experts to see what they say are the top reasons married couples decide to split, and, believe it or not, communication problems came out on top as the number one reason marriages fail. Here are some other culprits our experts blame for the alarmingly high divorce rate.

1. Getting in for the wrong reasons.
Marrying for money — we've all heard that that is a ticket to a quick divorce, but what about when you marry because it's what you think you should do? I've met many divorced women who say the problems that made them leave were there right from the beginning but "everyone expected us to live happily ever after" or "we had already spent so much money on the wedding" or "we had just built our dream home." So, remember, until you say "I do," you always have the choice to say "I don't!"

2. Lack of individual identity.
A codependent relationship is not healthy. When you don't have your own interests or the opportunity to express yourself outside of coupledom, you become "couple dumb."
If you are not comfortable doing things without your partner, or you don't know what kind of music, movies, or food you used to like, you are likely in deep and you probably feel like you are drowning and don't know why.





3. Becoming lost in the roles.
Just as many couples "forget" their single friends and single ways when they get married, when you add children into the mix, most parents soon neglect or completely forget that they are a couple.
As children grow and need less attention, many husbands and wives find that they have grown apart and they can't remember why they ever got married in the first place because they no longer have anything in common.

4. Not having a shared vision of success.
"Everything changed when we got married!" He drives you crazy because you're a saver and he's a spender. Your idea of a weekend getaway is a cozy cottage in the woods; your partner wants to the hit the town and catch a game. He thinks it's your job to cook and clean, but you disagree.
Why didn't he mention these things before? Maybe you should have asked. Chances are that he hasn't changed — your expectations did. Is it possible to survive major differences in philosophy? It is possible, but many do not.

5. The intimacy dissapears.
Somewhere in a marriage there is a subtle change in the intimacy department. One person has an off day, there is a misunderstanding or someone doesn't feel well. Then there's the idea that he isn't as romantic or she isn't as sexual.

Whoever is the one with the subtle change can trigger a downward spiral in the intimacy department. Men generally need sexual receptivity to feel romantic and women generally need romance to be sexual receptive. As long as both people are getting what they need, they willingly provide what the other person wants. However, when there is a lessening on either's part, that can trigger a pulling back in the other. If gone unnoticed and unchecked, before the couple realizes, they are seriously intimately estranged and wonder what happened. This can lead to divorce as couples begin to feel unloved and unappreciated.

6. Unmet expectations.
Somewhere written into a human's genetic code lie the instruction that when a person isn't happy, he or she is supposed to force his/her significant to make the changes required to make the unhappy person happy again. This usually takes the form of complaining, blaming, criticizing, nagging, threatening, punishing and/or bribing.

When one or both people in the marriage are attempting to coerce each other into doing things they don't want to do for their partner's happiness, it is a recipe for disaster. When you are unhappy in a relationship, it's okay to ask for the change you want. But, if your partner doesn't oblige you, then you become responsible for your own happiness.

7. Finances.
It's not usually the lack of finances that causes the divorce, but the lack of compatibility in the financial arena. Opposites can attract but when two people are opposites in the financial department, divorce often ensues. Imagine the conflict if one is a saver and one is a spender. One is focused on the future while the other believes in living for today. One has no problem buying on credit, while the other believes in saving up for what one wants. Over time, this conflict can reach such heights that divorce seems to be the only logical conclusion.

8. Being out of touch ... literally.
I'm talking about physical contact. Of course, sex is great, but you also need to supplement it with little hello and goodbye kisses, impromptu hugs and simply holding hands. Couples who don't maintain an intimate connection through both sexual and non-sexual actions are destined to become virtual strangers.

9. Different priorities and interests.
Having shared interests and exploring them together is essential for a successful marriage. Of course, having "me time" is important as well, but unless you can find common passions and look for ways to experience them together, you'll inevitably grow farther and farther apart.

10. Inability to resolve conflicts.
Every couple has disagreements. The key is to develop ground rules so that each partner feels respected and heard. Sometimes it takes a third party "referee" to help define those rules and teach us to move through the charged emotions so resentments don't linger. 

Kim Olver

Speaker/Presenter

Kim Olver, LCPC, has been featured in Whole Living, Women's World, Fitness Magazine and Counseling Today and is the best-selling, award winning author of Secrets of Happy Couples: Loving Yourself, Your Partner, and Your Life.

Abusive Relationship: Who is at fault?

The Man's Fault
When a man start beating his wife, he has lost control of his life and his home. When a man start raising hands against his "love" his mind has be taken over by some psychological deficiencies. When a man can no longer use words to put things straight at home, he has lost it all.

You are not a man by how strong your muscles are against your woman. You are not a man by how much power you apply in beating your woman. Manhood is far from physically abusing your woman.
Any man who believe beating a woman once in a while will help "reset her factory setting" is a weak man.

Any man who believe women are stubborn and it takes only beating to make them obey, is a clueless man. Any man who thinks women are lesser human being than men, does not know God nor His works. Any man who believe if you have not beaten your woman once in life you are not in charge of your home, is living in mystery.

If you have made beating your woman a culture, you are sick and you need to see a doctor, yes a psychologist! A nut or two maybe loose in your head which needs fixing. See, this is how we will know you are in charge of your home: When you talk and she listens. When you give instruction and she obeys. When you discuss with her and she freely respond. Then you are the MAN! It is earned not imposed! Earn your respect don't force it!





The Woman's Fault
When a woman becomes abusive and disrespectful to his husband, it either she no longer loves him or she does not love him in the first place. When a woman does not give regards to her man, she is probably not seeing him as her admirable man again or she has seen a man that is "better" than him.

When a woman respect other women husbands or men (Her pastors, her General Overseer, her CEO, or her Manager) more than she does her husband, she is already emotionally and mentally out of that relationship. God is a perfect God, that was why He made Husband the HEAD of his wife. It is a taboo if a woman respects or honours other men more than her husband. God forbids it!

Though many fake pastors have made women to see otherwise. Your Husband is your head, not another man. Listen, men appreciate respect and submission from his woman more than "love". In marriage, love means respect and honour to the man order than romance and emotional expressions. You will hear men say "if she loves me, she will respect me"

No man can "easily" love a abusive, disrespectful, arrogant and uncultured woman. When a woman cannot accord his man the needed honour and submission, the relationship will soon break. Sometimes women will say "...but he is misbehaving" "He has no sense" "He is not man enough" These are not excuse for you to disrespect or disgrace him. As long has he remain your husband, he is your HEAD and you have to submit.

Submissive women are wise. They get things done with and through their husbands easily. They get their husbands' blessings and grace for all their endeavours. Look, no sensible man will lift his hands against a respectful and submissive woman. Men are not born violent beings. In fact men are more kind-heart and soft than most women. It takes a submissive and wise women to draw this out of him.

Benjamin Ohonusi Culled from The Morning After, a daily inspirational digest.

5 Pillars of Happy Marriage

Happy marriage do not just happen by magic or some sort of wishful thinking. If you want a happy marriage, you got to work hard at it. If you want to have a romantic and joyful relationship, you must work at it, daily and every time.

Most people are in the illusion that happy marriage is something magical. They believe when you meet the right person it will be like magic. Well, there is nothing magical about getting a happy marriage, it is just the product of two people who are ready to do anything possible to make things work in their marriage.

In marriage, there are no general principles to make things work. What works for couple A, maybe be wrong for couple B. But there are certain Pillars that make marriages happy.

1. Forgiveness: Pastor Bimbo Odukoya of blessed memory said, "Marriage is a partnership between two best forgivers" Yes, forgiving one another is a pillar that any couple who want their marriage to be a happy one must hold on to. If we pile up wrongs and offenses against one another, harmony will die in the home and resentment will set in. You must learn how to forgive everything, every time and always.

When you get tired of forgiving your partner, you block your heart against love and harmony. You allow the bitterness and anger to remain in your heart. How happy can you be when you are bitter or angry? You must not only forgive, but you should make it an habit. For as long as both of you are together, there will always be issues. Learn to let go easily.

2. Communication: Communication is the vehicle that runs a relationship. We have verbal, non-verbal, and written communication means. Verbal communication are done through face-to-face discussion and phone conversation. Non-verbal communications are the gesture we make, facial expression, body language and sign language. Written communications are based convened by letter, fax, text messages, note and emails.

You must develop the ability to convene your thoughts, ideas and opinions to your partner in a way that he or she will understand. You should understand how best your partner understands. Some people can only come to terms with issues unless it is presented in the communication means that best suits them. Make effort to know what is the best way to get to the heart of your spouse and make good use of that means. When you keep quiet and keep malice, nothing will work in the marriage. Do not forget that an issue not discussed can never be resolved.





3. Mutual Respect: Respect for one another should not be traded on the alter of familiarity. If you disrespect your spouse all because of familiarity, the marriage wall will crack. Respect is showing regards for the personality of someone else. In marriage, couples mistakenly forget that respect should not be taken for granted.

No man or woman want to be taken for granted. Why will you shout on your wife if you respect her. Why will you disregard your husband instruction if you respect him. Do not forget that even in marriage, individual differences still exist. You should not expect your spouse to behave or act in way that you only think is acceptable.

He or she has a background and he or she has a peculiar personality. Respect that!Do not look down on the ability and opinion of your partner. Do not underrate his or her capability. Do not use abusive words or even raise a hand against him or her. Every human being needs respect to keep their ego up and make them feel important.

4. Sacrilege of Marriage: Marriage is a sacred institution and must be honoured. Your marriage should not be an issue for discussion among your friends in a club or at the office. Your marriage should not be a certain of focus at any meeting you hold with friends or relatives. You should honour the sanctimony of your union by keeping yourself out of any form of adultery and sexual immorality.

Many marriages break today just because of that. Marriage is honourable, it is a set-aside union for just two people- you and your spouse. Inviting third party to help you settle your marital issues now and then, will open your marriage to manipulations and unnecessary influence. Keep your marriage clean and hallowed.

5. Undying Love: Love your spouse in every situation and under any circumstances will prolong your union and you will experience peace and harmony always. In marriage so many things can happen. So many unexpected and unwanted issues may arise, but couples must learn how to love always.

Not all spouse plan to cheat on their partner but it could happen. Not all spouse plan to walk away but it could happen. Not all spouse plan to be sick for a very long time or contract a terminal disease, but it could happen. If you want to remain happy in these situation, you must have an undying love.

Love, even when you are mad at your man. Love even when you are so angry with her or even when you do not feel like talking to her. Love even when he or she does not merit or worth loving. Keep the love line open and never say never.

Happy marriage is a product of the willing partners who are ready to go all the way. You may not be in the wrong marriage, it may be that you are neglecting the pillars of a successful marriage.

Benjamin Ohonusi

10 Ways to Have Peaceful, Loving Relationships

Relationships are not easy. They mirror everything we feel about ourselves. When you’ve had a bad day, the people around you seem difficult. When you’re not happy with yourself, your relationships seem to be lacking. If you’ve ever gotten in a fight only to find yourself wondering what you were really upset about, this post may help you. If you’ve ever been disappointed because someone didn’t meet your expectations, this post may help you, too.

Feel walked on and unheard? You guessed it—there’s likely something in here that will help you change that. We don’t live in a vacuum. We have thoughts and feelings that can be confusing. Other people do too. And just like in the movie Crash, they don’t always collide smoothly. When I apply these ideas, I feel confident, strong, compassionate, and peaceful in my interactions. I hope they can do the same for you.

1. Do what you need to do for you. Everyone has personal needs, whether it’s going to the gym after work or taking some alone time on Saturday morning. If someone asks you to do something and your instinct is to honor you own need, do that. I’m not saying you can’t make sacrifices sometimes, but it’s important to make a habit of taking care of yourself. Someone once told me people are like glasses of water. If we don’t do what we have to do to keep our glass full, we’ll need to take it from someone else—which leaves them half full. Fill your own glass so you can feel whole and complete in your relationships.





2. Give people the benefit of the doubt. It’s tempting to doubt people—to assume your boyfriend meant to hurt you by not inviting you out with his friends, or your friend meant to make you feel inadequate by flaunting her money. People who care about you want you to feel happy, even if sometimes they get too wrapped up in their own problems to show it well. Sometimes they may be hurtful and mean it—let’s not pretend we’re all angels. But that won’t be the norm. It will likely be when they’re hurting and don’t know what to do with it. Odds are they’ll feel bad and apologize later. If you want to get good will, share it by seeing the best in the people you love. When we assume the best, we often inspire it.

3. Look at yourself for the problem first. When you feel unhappy with yourself, it’s easy to find something wrong in a relationship. If you blame another person for what you’re feeling, the solution is on them. But this is actually faulty logic. For starters, it gives them all the control. And secondly, it usually doesn’t solve the problem, since you didn’t actually address the root cause. Next time you feel the need to blame someone for your feelings something they did or should have done—ask yourself if there’s something else going on. You may find there’s something underlying: something you did or should have done for you. Take responsibility for the problem and you have power to create a solution.

4. Be mindful of projecting. In psychology, projecting refers to denying your own traits and then ascribing them to the outside world or other people. For example, if you’re not a loyal and trusting friend, you may assume your friends are all out to get you. It’s a defense mechanism that allows you to avoid the discomfort of acknowledging your weaknesses. There’s no faster way to put a rift in your relationships. This comes back to down to self-awareness, and it’s hard work. Acknowledging your flaws isn’t fun, but if you don’t, you’ll continue seeing them in everyone around you. And you’ll continue to hurt. Next time you see something negative in someone else, ask yourself if it’s true for you. It might not be, but if it is, identifying it can help create peace in that relationship.

5. Choose your battles. Everyone knows someone who makes everything a fight. If you question them about something, you can expect an argument. If you comment on something they did, you’ll probably get yelled at. Even a compliment could create a confrontation. Some people just like to fight—maybe to channel negativity they’re carrying around about the world or themselves. On the one hand, you have to tell people when there’s something bothering you. That’s the only way to address problems. On the other hand, you don’t have to let everything bother you. When I’m not sure if I need to bring something up, I ask myself these few questions: • Does this happen often and leave me feeling bad? • Does this really matter in the grand scheme of things? • Can I empathize with their feelings instead of dwelling on my insecurity?

6. Confront compassionately and clearly. When you attack someone, their natural instinct is to get defensive, which gets you nowhere. You end up having a loud conversation where two people do their best to prove they’re right and the other one is wrong. It’s rarely that black and white. It’s more likely you both have points, but you’re both too stubborn to meet in the middle. If you approach someone with compassion, you will open their hearts and minds. Show them you understand where they’re coming from, and they’ll be willing to see your side. That gives you a chance to express yourself and your expectations clearly. And when you let people know what you need at the right time in the right way, they’re more likely to give that to you.

7. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. There are all kinds of ways you can feel vulnerable in relationships: When you express your feelings for someone else. When you’re honest about yourself or your past. When you admit you made a mistake. We don’t always do these things because we want to maintain a sense of power. Power allows us a superficial sense of control, whereas true, vulnerable being allows us a sense of authenticity. That’s love: being your true self and allowing someone else to do the same without letting fear and judgment tear it down. It’s like Jimi Hendrix said, “When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.”

8. Think before acting on emotion. This one is the hardest for me. As soon as I feel hurt, frustrated, or angry, I want to do something with it—which is always a bad idea. I’ve realized my initial emotional reaction does not always reflect how I really feel about something. Initially, I might feel scared or angry, but once I calm down and think things through, I often realize I overreacted. When you feel a strong emotion, try to sit it for a while. Don’t use it or run from it—just feel it. When you learn to observe your feelings before acting on them, you minimize the negativity you create in two ways: you process, analyze, and deal with feelings before putting them on someone else; and you communicate in a way that inspires them to stay open instead of shutting down.

9. Maintain boundaries. When people get close, boundaries can get fuzzy. In a relationship without boundaries, you let the other person manipulate you into doing things you don’t want to do. You act out of guilt instead of honoring your needs. You let someone offend you without telling them how you feel about it. The best way to ensure people treat you how you want to be treated is to teach them. That means you have to love and respect yourself enough to do that: to acknowledge what you need, and speak up. The only way to truly have loving, peaceful relationships is to start with a loving, peaceful relationship with yourself.

10. Enjoy their company more than their approval. When you desperately need someone’s approval, your relationship becomes all about what they do for you—how often they stroke your ego, how well they bring you up when you feel down, how well they mitigate your negative feelings. This is draining for another person, and it creates an unbalanced relationship. If you notice yourself dwelling on pleasing someone else or getting their approval, realize you’re creating that need. (Unless you’re in an abusive relationship, in which case I highly recommend getting help.) Instead of focusing on what you can get from that person, focus on enjoying yourselves together. Oftentimes the best thing you can do for yourself and someone else is let go and give yourself permission to smile.

By Lori Deschene

Reasons Men Leave Their Marriages

Marriages don't just fall apart overnight. They often end after months and years of both spouses trying to stick it out, firm in the belief that they can work out their issues and sustain their marriages.

Once it's over, though, most divorcés can look back and pinpoint one exact moment -- one overblown argument or one instance where their spouse showed his or her true colors -- that should have signaled to them that the marriage was damaged beyond repair.


1. When he got tired of her outbursts.
"I had a car accident. Lost my job. I was still depressed about family member passing away. My wife decides she really wants a gold watch that costs $999. I tell her I can't afford to spend money on something like that in our current situation. She shuts herself in the bathroom to cry. That was the first time I didn't react to that tactics. She comes out few hours later and asks me outright if I want a divorce. That wasn't even on my mind until that point, but that was the moment I knew."

2. When the trust was gone.
"It was when I caught myself photographing street signs on my 25-minute journey home from work so that there would be a timestamp of the entire route to disprove constant accusations that I was cheating on her... After that, I just left."

3. When his wife became a glorified roommate.
"The last year together we felt more like roommates than lovers. She stopped being interested in spending time with me, we stopped showering together and began sleeping at opposite times. She was generally unhappy all of the time. I really wanted to salvage the marriage, but I knew it was over when she finally told me that she just didn't love me."

4. When the math didn't add up.
"Came home from a seven-month deployment overseas to find a five-month pregnant wife. I'm no mathematician but I figured that one out."

5. When he was suffering from depression and she laughed it off.
"I was telling her about how depressed and hopeless I was feeling. I described it partially as an existential crisis. She laughed at me. She literally laughed in my face regarding my pain. That was the day I realized I didn't really matter to her."


6. When he realized she didn't believe in his dreams.
"Five years ago, I told her I wanted to get out of the military and study to become a doctor. She's a scientist but she acted like it was the most ridiculous thing I could ever try to do. Her exact words were, 'You can't just decide to be a doctor.' Imagine researching and thinking about something for an entire year and then telling your best friend your hopes and dreams and they just look at you like you're silly ... I started med school four weeks ago. I'm not bitter but she's going to be really surprised if she ever decides to do some Google stalking."


7. When he disagreed with her on how they'd raise their future children.
"When my wife stated that any children we had would be homeschooled by her (she never graduated high school) and weren't going to get vaccinations. This was non-negotiable. I was young at the time and honestly, it never occurred to me until we had that discussion how much it meant to me. I (naively) figured it was a given."


8. When he became indifferent to the cheating.
"The precise moment was a few months ago when her long and frequent infidelities stopped making me furious. The anger switched off and I realized, it's finally over, thank God. I can now plan the end of this toxic marriage."

9. When he decided to put his daughter first.
"My second wife and I got along great, but over time the relationship she had with my daughter from a previous marriage got worse and worse. I tried not to blame her; she just wasn't ready to be a mom to someone else's child. It was hard to accept that, though. We tried counseling briefly but she felt counseling was for 'crazy people and she [wasn't] crazy.' Eventually, my daughter and I left. I hoped she would change her mind and decide to work things out with us, but it didn't happen. I had to do what was right for my daughter even if it hurt."


10. When he realized that having hobbies of his own was off-limits.
"My ex and I were watching 'Knocked Up.' It came to the scene where the wife is tracking the husband down to catch him while he was 'cheating.' Turns out, he had just snuck off to go to a baseball draft. My ex turned to me and said, 'See how terrible and selfish he is for sneaking around like that?' I looked at her and said, 'See how terrible she is for oppressing his hobbies and dreams so much that he has to resort to sneaking around in order to enjoy them?' I realized right then that she'd done that to me. She had oppressed me, chained me with guilt over my hobbies being immature and childish. She guilt-tripped me because my hobbies took time away from her. Meanwhile, she would never take up any hobbies or interests of her own despite me encouraging her."


11. When he had the commute from hell and she didn't care.
"I had to work late one dark winter night, missed my regular train, took a loooong bus and had to walk home a couple of miles from the bus stop in the freezing cold. She couldn't be bothered to come pick me up because she didn't want to leave her yoga class early. It had been 20 years of bad stuff, but that was the night I decided it was over. She realized what she had done later, but it was too late then."


The Huffington Post | By Brittany Wong